The love of God is greater far
Than tongue or pen can ever tell;
It goes beyond the highest star,
And reaches to the lowest hell;
The guilty pair, bowed down with care,
God gave His Son to win;
His erring child He reconciled,
And pardoned from his sin.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

When years of time shall pass away,
And earthly thrones and kingdoms fall,
When men, who here refuse to pray,
On rocks and hills and mountains call,
God’s love so sure, shall still endure,
All measureless and strong;
Redeeming grace to Adam’s race—
The saints’ and angels’ song.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

Could we with ink the ocean fill,
And were the skies of parchment made,
Were every stalk on earth a quill,
And every man a scribe by trade,
To write the love of God above,
Would drain the ocean dry.
Nor could the scroll contain the whole,
Though stretched from sky to sky.

O love of God, how rich and pure!
How measureless and strong!
It shall forevermore endure
The saints’ and angels’ song.

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Most of us have problems with shame, to one degree or another.

The first article in this series (“About Shame”)
helped you to learn if you have a big problem with shame.  This second article is for anyone who finds any shame in their life.

YOUR OVERALL GOAL

To overcome shame, you need to learn that 
it’s OK to be who you are!  To get there, you must have 
and absorb deeply 
many separate moments 
of being accepted, loved, or valued.  I’ll be giving you some practical ideas about how to do this.

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO YOU

Stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not OK.  Spend more and more of your time with 
the people who know you are OK the way you are.
And let them know more and more about you.  Choose your relationships based on how you are treated 
- not just on whether the other person feels “comfortable.” 
(We are “comfortable” with what we are used to 
- even when it’s bad for us!)  Treat people the way you want to be treated. 
It’s contagious.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY

Tell them to stop it!
If they keep it up, don’t tell them over and over. 
This is like “begging.”
It makes you feel weak in their presence. 
You need to feel strong when you have to be around such people!  Expect people who treat you badly 
to keep it up 
and hold them responsible 
for how they treat you.  Hold yourself responsible 
for how much time you spend with them,
how you respond to their mistreatment,
and whether you take their opinions seriously.
  When people imply that you aren’t valuable, 
they are wrong.
  You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately.
(You know how angry you get when you are treated this way. 
This anger is your guide.
It tells you that this person’s opinion of you is worthless
and can be thrown away without question.)  Know that only a few people are likely to treat you poorly. 
The rest of us are ready to treat you well!  (If you catch yourself thinking otherwise, 
at least remind yourself that I am positive you are wrong!)

NEXT…

The suggestions coming up next are even more important than what you’ve read so far.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU WELL

Absorb it!

  Always take at least a few seconds 
to FEEL the good feelings you get when you are treated well.  Let your appreciation show. 
(Your natural smile will do just fine!)

  Showing your appreciation reinforces the other person 
and encourages them to stay around you longer.  Don’t talk yourself out of it!
  Most compliments are honest. 
Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean!
  Turn down the manipulation 
but accept the compliment!

  For example:  “Thanks for noticing I have good taste in cars, 
but I still won’t pay what you are asking for this one.”

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT LATER

The most important factor in overcoming shame is
how you treat yourself when you get home!

  When you’ve been treated poorly
how do you treat yourself afterwards?  The Unhealthy Option:
Focus on yourself and wonder if they were right 
about the bad things they said!  
”Maybe they are right and I am a jerk!” 
”Maybe I am stupid!”  The Healthy Option: 
Focus on your anger at the mistreatment!  
”What a jerk he was!”  
”What’s wrong with someone like that!?”  ”Who asked for her opinion?!”  When you’ve been treated well 
how do you treat yourself afterwards?

  Do you relax and think about the good things?

  Do you mentally recycle the best parts?  

Do you notice how much you agree about your good qualities?  

Do you take the time to ENJOY feeling good?

ANSWERS TO THE USUAL OBJECTIONS

Q: “What about all the horrible mistakes I made in my life?”


A: “You needed to make them, to learn. 
Now that you know they were mistakes, you have learned!”


Q: “What about all the people I’ve hurt?”


A: “And what about all the people they’ve hurt? 
 Hurting each other is awful, but it’s part of life.”


Q: “Won’t I keep screwing up if I don’t feel ashamed?”


A: “It never stopped you in the past! 
Shame doesn’t control you. YOU control you.”


Q: “This is all B.S.! I’m bad, and I know it, and I need to feel this way.”


A: “Your pain is only a warning. 
You’ve got your warning. 
Feeling more of it won’t help anything.”


Q: “We all need to suffer or else terrible things will happen in this world!”


A: “If you ever meet the mean people who taught you that, 
tell them I said they were full of it!”

SHAME AND GUILT

Shame is not the same as guilt.  When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did.
When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn 
that it’s OK to make mistakes.

When we feel shame we need to learn 
that it’s OK to be who we are!

WHERE SHAME COMES FROM

Shame comes from being taught 
that we are worthless or bad or something similar.  It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
”You’ll never amount to anything!”
”You are worthless!”
”I wish you were never born!”
”Shame on you!”  It also comes from severe physical discipline
since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child:
”You don’t matter at all! 
Only what you do matters!”  And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior.
It comes from adults who say:
”What would the neighbors think of you if they knew…?”
”You look ridiculous!”
”Don’t you have any pride?”
”What’s wrong with you anyway!?”  And it comes from being threatened 
with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation.
When we are threatened with these things, 
the psychological message is the same:
”I can and will treat you any way I want to… 
You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!”

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?

People who are shamed 
have to live in the same world as all the rest of us
but they have to live in it 
with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.  The amount of continuous pressure 
a deeply shamed person feels is immense.  When they are doing well, 
they think it’s only a matter of time 
before they are discovered as useless.

When they make mistakes, 
they expect a terrifying degree of anger 
from the people they disappoint.  Every act is a “test” 
- and they are convinced 
that it’s only a matter of time 
before they fail completely.

LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING “AS IF” YOU ARE O.K.

Some people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives to prove that they are worthless!
The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts, 
and impulsive criminals are good examples.  Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen
and to be recognized “for who I really am.”
But since they actually believe they are worthless,
they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness 
to everyone in their lives.  They don’t hurt their families and friends because they don’t love them 
or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends 
out of this need to be “known” 
- and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.


Most people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.  These are the people who are constantly worried 
about what you think of them,
and who constantly think 
that you are judging them.  When you tell them they did a good job 
they feel good for a few minutes,
but they soon feel worthless again
(and think that you wouldn’t like them 
if you “really” knew them).  If you tell them they did a poor job 
they will either feel a strong urge to cry
or they will show an immense amount of anger 
at you for saying such a “horrible” thing!  They don’t understand 
you are only commenting on the last thing they did.
They think you are commenting on them, 
and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?

People who’ve been deeply shamed 
need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!  Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them.
Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.  Most people need a therapist along the way 
who shows them their value,
and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop 
all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.  Every person who is overcoming shame 
will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.
  One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.  The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life,
the more deeply they will accept the love they need.
(The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course 
- just not nearly as valuable.)  Overcoming shame takes a long time.
But it is well worth it for the moment 
when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
”You know, I really am a good person!”

This is an excerpt from a book I am currently reading called Messy Faith by A.J.Gregory.  I have some appreciation for her perspective.

It is in reference to a passage from the book of John that goes as follows:  Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman ‘Where are your accusers?  Didn’t even one of them condemn you?‘  ’No Lord’, she said.  And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I,  Go and sin no more.‘  (John 8:11 NLT)

A.J says:

I think that what a part of “I forgive you, now go an sin no more” really means is confronting the behaviors or feelings that may have contributed to the acting out of sin.  I hear Jesus saying something like this to us: “You are forgiven.  My love for you is the same.  We’re cool.  Now, why did you do what you did?  What’s really going on in your messy, troubled, anxiety-ridden heart that we need to talk about?  What kind of internal work do you have to do to stop living the kind of life that is ultimately bringing you ruin, destruction, and general unhealth?”

- William Shakespeare

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

*** This is a post from the Session Notes link that is on this website. *** 

http://www.henze-associates.com/blog/2009/08/02/cal/the-power-of-the-gospel/ 

The power of Eternality:

The man/woman who stands with no fear of death is the most dangerous being alive. The entirety of the system of this world rides on the ability to take a life from another. When death ceases to terrify, control is lost.

The power of Absolution:

This world — especially the Christian side of it — stands in the constant fear of guilt. It stands with heads hung in shame while playing roles designed to prove to those who hold this weeks rating scale that they do, indeed, measure up. The teachings of Jesus have been so bastardized and bent by the keepers of religious power that it actually seems reasonable when that-which-formerly-was is again brought as a means of enforcing the awareness of our guiltiness and pinned on Jesus. But, we didn’t get a Bandaid for our sins — we, with Christ, died to them — and were raised to a new life that doesn’t relate to them. Our heads can never again hang low — because the standard which judged us (The law) can never again condemn us — no matter what.

The power of Love:

So many people live in the fear that if they ever gave God control of their lives, He’d bring out massive pain and torment (and a few plagues from Egypt too) to finally hurt them enough to change them. Yet, Jesus made it very clear that to see His heart was to see the Father. It’s a heart that will never lead through shame, fear, guilt, condemnation, coercion, punishment, torment or wrath. It’s a gentle heart that works quietly inside — when we are ready — to call us to life.

The power of Life:

Almost every aspect of our world is focused upon dying. We have drugs — they keep us emotionally dead. We have TV and entertainment to keep us distracted until we die. We have disassociative meditative techniques that are used to attain the peace of the grave while living. We run from shame, fear, guilt and the paralysis that comes from feeling trapped and bound and this drives that seeking of death. Through canceling all of that, the Gospel not only reawakens the desire to live, it legitimated the call to live and unlocked the creative energy to drive such.

The power of Freedom:

Wanna know why our bricks and mortar churches are emptying by the droves? People heard that Jesus came to set them free — and something deep within them intuitively knows that a list of rules isn’t what He had in mind. The message of the Gospel isn’t less rules — it’s TOTAL freedom. “When a man finally grasps grace, he suddenly finds himself standing, naked and trembling, in such a wide open space that he can do naught else but reach up for a hand to hold — for a guide to lead him through.”Anon

The power of Intimacy:

We can reach up for that hand to hold and that guide who will lead us through. It’s safe now. The cross is critical to this for it proved that not only is God good — but it proved that who He is IS GOOD. The human race unleashed the very worst it had to offer on the one being in the universe who could have annihilated them with a thought — and He loved them so much He let them kill Him and then came back to love them even more. To love ME even more…

The power of Faith:

Faith isn’t belief — faith is Christ in you, the hope of Glory. The Christian life has nothing to do with trying harder or trying period. It’s about surrender to that new life which has been created in you to enough of a degree that you can stop trying and literally get the hell out of the way. It’s about a surrender to a wisdom so much greater then our own that the foundations of this sick and corrupt system of control we call life begin to get blown up — not just for yourself, but also for those you love.

The power of Holy Anger:

Jesus made one thing very clear: He didn’t come to make nice — He came to start a war. The religious leaders of the day didn’t kill, “Gentle Jesus meek and mild.” They killed a guy who they could plainly see was destroying everything about their system of religious power — not trying to start the Progressive Conservative/Republican party. Then, He turned to the disenfranchised, the broken, the humiliated, the poor, the shameful, the powerless and promised them a power greater then the world had ever seen — just before he invited them to join up and open fire.

The power of Humanness:

Look around the world — every major religion out there sees human beings as basically screwed up and disgusting. It then offers it’s prescription to fix them — if people will only tow their line. The Gospel sees people as made in the image of God and, though once broken, as currently perfect without them doing anything to fix themselves. (That’s God’s job.) He came not to destroy them — but to reverse that which was broken about them once and for all. He came to make them fully human and fully alive.

The power of Transformation:

The foundational job of the gospel is to tear back the veils that keep people from seeing the beauty and dignity of the current reality of their lives. Read that again — not to fix people, for that job is already done. The primary weapon we are given is truth — the ability to tear back the lies that have the ones we love trapped in a set of falsehoods that reduce them to that which formerly was (dead) and drive them towards a set of broken strategies which will never fulfill the deepest longings of their hearts.

The power of Passion:

The magical core of the Gospel is the call to the deepest desires of our hearts. If God made those hearts and planted those deep longings within them, then those deep longings have to be His will for our lives. All of the above was NOT done because God wants to finally get you to the point of being a well-trained-seal who will do some religious dance when told. He did all of the above so you could finally reach inside and discover that deepest place of your heart where He planted the vision He created for you to become — and then full-tilt LIVE IT OUT.

The Gospel is not seen in ethics. The Gospel is first seen when a human heart, transformed so that it both is able to hear the voice of God and longs to do so, begins to reach out for the hand of a loving father and, when finding that hand, begins to take the risk to step out and live.

The Gospel achieves it’s true 10,000 candle-power brilliance when that heart reaches out and loves, it stops and cries, it gives to another, it stands in defiance of the night, it attacks with fury, it rescues the broken, it binds up the wounded, it touches that paintbrush to canvas, it places finger to string or key, it speaks with fire and precision, it screams with the fury of Almighty God at the thought of one of His precious children living with even one chain, it kisses with passion and then it makes love with with all of the erotic intensity that only a heart set free can even risk.

It’s the captivating and irresistible master plan of liberty the God of the universe, exploding out of the passionate longings of His heart, wrote for you.

- Cal H. Henze   www.henze-associates.com

I have many memories from my childhood that I have not enjoyed exploring.  Going back into them invites the pain back, which brings out the defenses in full force and makes the emotions flow defiantly.  It seems strange that I feel that more of the pain is coming from understanding that the choices I have made, as a result of my experiences, were wrong rather than from the experiences that caused me to make them.  I initially thought that it was the memories of the events and how they had made me feel when they happened that was the major source of the pain I felt.  The memories hurt but it has been more difficult to accept that the choices that I have made, the ones that I have so adamantly defended, are what has been keeping me in the dark.  I think that I understand a bit more about where some of my decisions have led me.  I also think that I have a lot that I’ve yet to understand. 

In my teenage years, I thought a lot about taking my own life.  I think, at some point, most teenagers do.  Now as and adult, I realize in a way I did.  I was thinking about it and I think that anger, other people, the cosmos, and also God influence some suicides.  Other influences are deep heartaches and suicide seems like the only thing that will stop the pain.  Some of us don’t end our mortal lives though; we just stop living, which is another kind of suicide.  I think that those of us who have gone unnoticed, disregarded, ignored or have been hurt in other ways are the ones that have the highest probability of arriving at the outer edges of the spectrum.  That’s what happens when your soul has so many footprints on it.  

Sometimes people would convince me that they would catch me if I let go and it was just a trap and then they would all laugh at me while I lay on the ground bleeding.  It seemed like choosing to stop living and never again take any chances was a much better choice than to live face down in the dirt buried by immoral laughter.  I don’t think that I stopped living all at once; I think it happened piece by piece over time.  Some of it happened from having to listen to a silent scream that came from deep within my heart that was so painfully loud and it kept saying, “pick me”.    

I also think that everyone has a part of themselves they are not particularly fond of.  They carry that part of themselves around like a weight.  The part of myself that I am not fond of is the part that hurts or abandons other people because I immediately assume that they will or think that they have hurt me when they won’t or haven’t.   I think it is the fortunate ones that realize that when the weight gets too heavy, they have a choice.  They can choose to set it down.  Once they have set it down they gain the ability to see things the way they really are.  I think I am maybe starting to see things a bit differently because I have set it down, but I don’t think I have let go of the handles yet and I may need a bit more time before I can walk away from it completely.  It is really hard though to let go of something that you feel saved your life.

But I know that, with each one of these realizations that God helps me to come to and with each weight that He helps me to choose to set down, I will continue to slowly come back to life.  

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Introspection continues to bring more pain

It keeps pushing us to an unsatisfied place

Where others who’ve also been dishonored

Have the same lingering fear of disgrace

There are many who have felt this shame

And it should not have been ours to feel

So much has been taken from our hearts

Things that no one had any right to steal

Our hearts have become difficult to reach

And now they are always kept on guard

Trying to push back the pain remembered

Makes learning how to trust again so hard

Choices made in response are confronted

As well as strategies we’ve devised to deal

Yet the barriers that we’ve carefully created

Refuse to come down and allow us to heal

What’s left in this supposedly secure world

Are hearts that are broken and overthrown

Desperate to find a way to shut it all out

Firmly believing that we can hold our own

We are filled with rebellious independence

We’ve been committed to self protection

Thinking we are keeping our hearts safe

We keep resisting any type of a connection

It violates all of our natural understanding

This act of giving up life in order to find it

But we must learn how to be alive again

Even when our hearts try to get us to quit

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

What have I missed

By failing to exist

With no one to assist

As the pain did persist

I wish to lay blame

And point the shame

At a different name

So they feel the same

I now think through

And bring into view

With intent to construe

What I know is true

I am in this plateau

Fighting the flow

Refusing to let go

Despite what I know

I’m feeling perplexed

And constantly vexed

I wonder what’s next

As I write this text

The heaviness stays

But in many ways

I do need this phase

And the role it plays

Where does it all lead

And what do I need

In order to proceed

So that I can succeed

I have been set apart

Now in order to restart

I know I need to impart

So I can free my heart

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

The questions just keep right on coming

But the answers never seem to bring a cure

Sometimes I think that I should stop asking

I am not sure how much more I can endure

The resentfulness still hangs on so heavily

Its grip sometimes brings me to my knees

My fighting seems useless against its hold

And it continues to make it hard to breathe

Going back has created so much confusion

And I get caught up in my cynical despair

I’m lost in acknowledging all my failures

It is all more than any part of me can bear

It feels like I’m the only one saying sorry

For something that I wasn’t responsible for

And I’m getting tired of picking myself up

Too many tears have been cried on this floor

However it is much easier said than done

To let go of all the fears embedded so deep

Or to change all of the ways I’ve created

To keep my dreams and desires fast asleep

I watch the illusions as they start to die

It’s uncomfortable and I’m feeling unnerved

But I see as things start to become clearer

What I’ve missed and what I’ve deserved

I must re-teach my heart how to let go

I know that its walls will be hard to split

But I’m sure I can persuade it to come out

And then bring back its desire to remit

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

I’ve learned that returning to those places

Has made me relive every nightmare

And I’m asking if Hell is still below me

Or wondering if maybe I’m already there

I’ve learned when things don’t kill you

A lasting scar is what they leave behind

There are ones that are clearly visible

And there are ones that secretly remind

I’ve learned from wounds I’ve accrued

That the invisible ones are far more trying

And it also seems that they are the ones

That I spend most of my time denying

I’ve learned that being strong isn’t easy

I’m not sure I am able to do what it takes

I’m desperate to avoid repeating the story

I don’t want to fall for the same mistakes

I’ve learned how to give up all my rights

And was expected to do what I was told

I was threatened and told not to divulge

And since, by fear I have been controlled

I’ve learned going back makes it more real

And I am so afraid of the fear and shame

They say going back will help me to heal

But part of me thinks I am still to blame

I’ve learned that it is all of these beliefs

That they are making a prisoner out of me

I am the one who has created these walls

Now I am feeling like I want to break free

I’ve learned that even though I was living

I know that I’ve been dying to feel alive

I can say that I want more this time around

I’m starting to feel like I want to survive

I’ve learned that there is so much more

And this part of me that I thought had died

Now wants to come out and experience life

And convince me that I don’t need to hide

I’ve learned that things are not as they seem

And the lies that I was taught are not true

I am not the bad person that I thought I was

I’m a good person that bad things happened to

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My soul has been battered and scarred

And my heart I am desperate to protect

I feel that I can’t take any more chances

Because I just don’t know what to expect

I have learned from my past experiences

That judgment almost always does come

And I never know what shape it might take

It could be a word or a look from some

It doesn’t matter how it gets delivered

Because the pain felt is always the same

The fear continues to get bigger inside

With deeper feelings of doubt and shame

And then when it is all over and done

I am standing alone mindless and abused

I have no ability to pick up all the pieces

I feel like everything has been misused

I just can’t seem to find the courage

To let my heart become known again

Or trust that it will not be struck down

And then left to feel the familiar pain

But I have been betrayed by desire

It has been pushing me not to forget

It keeps sending me many reminders

Not to make choices that I will regret

It has taken time to find ones to ask

And determine if I should then confide

I do hope that they will not turn away

Then leave me standing alone outside

Through my searching I have learned

That these hearts I thought didn’t exist

Have been waiting for me all along

And are showing me all I have missed

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I am feeling very angry today

The clock somehow turned back

Everything in a state of disarray

Somehow I have gotten off track

Where does the confusion reside

And why does it keep returning

Will there eventually come a time

When my mind will stop churning

The battle rages from deep within

I don’t know where to go from here

I now have this great desire to quit

Will everything always be so unclear

I feel as though I am still sinking

No matter how hard I seem to try

I am tired of fighting to stay afloat

This gravity it seems I cannot defy

I am not sure where I want to go

Or even how to try and get there

I don’t know how all of this began

Sometimes I don’t even really care

When the questions do get answered

How will I handle what I will know

Will I wish that I had never asked

Or can I learn how to just let go

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To the body and soul there has been a violation

An outrage was committed without consideration

Thoroughly affected from the deep penetration

It is at ourselves that we do vent our frustration

Into life we thought we were given an invitation

But were actually handed a lasting complication

We were made to feel that we were the causation

And our heart became numb from the realization

Now we stand alone without any explanation

And forever we will search for some salvation

We have succumbed and deadened our desire

Completely dismissing everything that we require

And are much too afraid to question or enquire

We believe we have earned what we did acquire

Now it is all of our yearnings we wish to retire

Wanting to keep our hearts from being under fire

Never wanting to remember what did transpire

The necessity to hide continues to get higher

And all we hope for is to slide under the wire

So we put on our masks and we wear the attire

With a heart that is filled with too much hate

We put up walls so we can be safe in our wait

And hope that our desires will start to abate

Dignity marred is what we don’t want to create

We wish we could erase everything on this slate

And stop the erosion of our fragile mental state

So it’s with strong conviction that we do dictate

That our lives do not become a public debate

The efforts to protect are a very heavy weight

And personal death moves at a very slow rate

None of the responsibility did they claim

So then we believed that we were to blame

We just moved through life without any aim

With fear inside that makes it hard to exclaim

For if we do then nothing will be the same

But now we start to feel like we want to reclaim

And find more definitions and then to rename

It is from our hearts that we do now proclaim

As we learn to acknowledge what we became

That it is not us that should feel the shame

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With each minute that passes she is there

This great creator of all my deceptions

She’s ruthless when it comes to her mission

There are no rules and not many exceptions

I decided that I wanted to know her more

So I can understand just who she may be

And why that it is so very important to her

That she does keep me under lock and key

She is pushing hard to maintain this facade

I am becoming convinced that she is right

She knows it will not take much persuading

And I will want to stop and give up the fight

She has told an infinite number of lies

Keeping me believing them is her goal

She doesn’t want me learning any truths

The desired outcome is to maintain control

Continuously issuing barely veiled threats

She believes it’s better to remain confined

She is the one that created these illusions

So that they continue to control my mind

Carefully nurturing many of my delusions

She has been brilliant at executing her plan

Her abilities have improved from experience

And now I don’t even know how it all began

But now I see things from a new perspective

And I know her biggest desire is to be free

I wish to embrace her and make her feel safe

Because I realized that she is actually me

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From our hearts, pain has poured

As our stories have gotten explored

Now we’ve begun to move toward

Grace that God does freely award

And we see all that He can afford

His love will never again be ignored

We are all beautiful compilations

A magnificent blend of His creations

But despite all of our complications

He delivers us from the temptations

Provides us with strong foundations

He comes to fulfill our expectations

Now and again our road will be long

With Him at our side, we are strong

Belief in Him can never be wrong

It is in His hands that we do belong

As He teaches us our new song

For He is a friend that is lifelong

From the beginning He heard our plea

We have now learned He is the key

And now we pray on bended knee

So that we may never forget to see

This Grace that He has given for free

And honor Him with all we can be

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I hear you talking but I’m not really there

Not knowing what to say as I feel your glare

My mind slips so that I am no longer aware

You wonder what’s behind my empty stare

You want to meet me because you do care

But I can’t seem to tell you how to get there

I’ve been there and now I am back again

Forced to look at what the past does contain

I fight to stay afloat amidst all of the pain

Looking for something to remove the stain

With too many things no one can explain

Grasping for something I can never obtain

It’s all there swirling around in my head

I try to figure out if I have made this bed

From so many things that I’ve left unsaid

As I sort through all the lies I’ve been fed

And continue to fear the road that’s ahead

Sometimes wishing I could go back instead

Haunting questions that are too hard to face

And desperate avoidance of a state of disgrace

It’s numbing indulgences I use to erase

Yet nothing will disappear without a trace

There’s something missing I can never replace

My soul tries to breathe as it looks for space

I see now and then with my eyes open wide

That matters will get worse if I choose to hide

But sometimes it feels like my hands are tied

With all of the broken tears that I’ve cried

From wounds by those that failed to provide

Feeling like I’ll always stand on the outside

The distance is shorter and the fall is steep

Closer to the edge I continue to creep

Not sure I can survive if I end this sleep

I retain what is real and it makes me weep

There are some promises no one can keep

It feels too late and I’m lost way too deep

An ashamed heart that is aching to be free

This lonely prison that contains the debris

Makes it hard to determine what could be

With so many things that I cannot foresee

Feeling overcome by all the uncertainty

I then start to wonder, “Am I losing me?”

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© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

It is here that I sit

With all of this shit

Swirling around in my head

It just won’t quit

I want to submit

Everything is filled with dread

I can not remit

All I do is spit

Hanging on a very thin thread

What is this fit

Is the anger legit

I just see everything in red

I move bit by bit

And try to admit

But question where I have been led

I can’t take this shit

I’ve lost my grit

These burdens I wish to shed

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Upon review of the days now gone

What images will we be revealed

Do we make the choice to face it

Or do we just keep it all concealed

Somewhere deep inside ourselves

In the places we like to look last

We see what change might bring

And it is not a welcome forecast

Premonitions are filled with dread

When the mind displays an outcome

The consequences seem too heavy

There is a greater price for some

The choices become more difficult

When we only seem to see the cost

It seems the gains are outweighed

We think we know what will be lost

We try to look up and to ascertain

What it is our futures will bestow

And ask that some good stands out

So we will be less afraid to go

The call for things to be different

Is something we need to acquire

To be able to picture the benefits

And not fear what will transpire

We hope for an easy conversion

And transition that does not cease

We ask that our heart will not defy

So we can see it filled with peace

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Where is it that we are to start

When we know we can’t stay here

An unsought journey back in time

Where we usually try not to steer

Do we fear what we will unearth

As we dig through what’s been done

What can we learn from our mistakes

As we sort through them one by one

We tell lies with the intent to hide

Resolute to keep it all concealed

We try to evade the inquisitive ones

And keep our secrets unrevealed

We commence with apprehension

But recognize that new is needed

That some matters ought to diverge

And new advice should be heeded

When truth comes to show its face

In which position will we remain

Will we embrace what we now know

Or will we resist what we ascertain

We stumble with much reluctance

Quite frequently we seem to falter

But our resistance begins to dissolve

And we see what we need to alter

When we accept it’s time to change

And wish to find what we need to see

Will we ask Jesus to be our guide

And lead our heart where it needs to be

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True feelings remain all hidden

Glossed over or unexposed

To drop it all and walk away

My heart seems unopposed

In all of your violations

Your demeanor I do not judge

I see all that it has to cover

And I must not hold a grudge

I just can’t seem to show you

The burdens that you create

Lost to any acknowledgement

You seem to bear no weight

Actions laced with pretense

You have stolen my desire

I give in to all the confusion

And dismiss what I require

Are reasons right to confront

And self-importance left behind

I do not know where to begin

To induce a change of mind

My mind thinks of separation

My heart wants something more

The yearnings of engagement

It seems I am unable to ignore

A required call for forgiveness

That has come to be revealed

A tugging deep within my heart

That refuses to remain concealed

To leave behind all my yearnings

And let my desires become deceased

Is filled with false assumptions

That my struggles would be released

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There must be a time

I should take the time

Is this to be my time

Or do I watch it go by

Is this when I see

What I ought to see

Do I even want to see

Or just close my eye

To think then to feel

Do I trust what I feel

And do I need to feel

Or can I just deny

Acknowledge the fear

And then face the fear

What is it that I fear

And choose to live by

Can I show my face

Will you see my face

Should I hide my face

So you can’t see me cry

Can I find what to say

And to whom do I say

Do I really need to say

Or just say good-bye

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© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

What is my fate

I try to wait

But sit and hate

This heavy weight

Getting irate

Cannot relate

Long for great

Much too late

Seem to require

To wear the attire

I sit and admire

Those that inspire

Out of this fire

Is what I aspire

Comes the dire

I begin to tire

Very contrite

Full of spite

Want to fight

Losing sight

Full of fright

Afraid of night

Look for light

Not in sight

Heart is numb

To escape from

And has succumb

Then shrank from

Abandoned scum

To shy away from

And then become

A small crumb

My mind a maze

On me it plays

Tricks in ways

It fills with haze

My heart ablaze

Away this phase

Time for praise

But darkness stays

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© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com