Poemae Qui Aperio » Shame

Open Book

Rae — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:55:02 +0000

Open Book

What does it really mean

To become an open book

To put everything out there

So anyone can take a look

It is hard for me to ideate

Or then even try to relate

When I have no intention

Of making a declaration

I don’t feel like I’ll be free

For there is no guarantee

That life will not fall apart

If I was to reveal my heart

It seems reckless to assume

That judgment will not loom

And I will feel more alone

Then before I’d made known

Nothing will be the same

All things covered in shame

I think it’s better left unsaid

And leave this book unread

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

All That Is Seen

Rae — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 03:53:08 +0000

Memories too stubborn to leave or last

Memories too stubborn to leave or last

And days that were kind enough to pass

Now our looking glass is stained and broken

And so many lies are still being spoken

By the untrusting ghosts of our past

All while lacking the comprehension

Failures seemed to get all the attention

Self-worth deteriorates and is almost gone

Due to false conclusions being drawn

And our strong powers of retention

We try to learn where the line does lie

It’s hard to find but we continue to try

When it’s found it’s sometimes too late

Then we’re supposed to accept our fate

Instead we attempt to turn a blind eye

Energy is wasted wanting to settle scores

And all that remains are scarred doors

Battles are fought with shame-based rage

But from these fights that we do wage

More spoils remain from internal wars

We learn contempt increases vulnerability

And that emotion obscures our visibility

We want to put off the future for a day

And we’re wishing the past would not stay

But have learned that it’s an impossibility

All that is seen is seen upside down

Burden’s carried drag to the ground

Tears fall in ashes of chances burned

The day ends dismissing what’s learned

While losing sight of the thorny crown

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

This Tiny Little Room

Rae — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:48:33 +0000

As my eyes explore this tiny little room

I start to ponder what’s been spoken here

What unimagineable stories it must know

And the secrets that these walls hold dear

All the memories that’ve passed our lips

In this safe place where we can reveal

Many of the stories from our broken pasts

And words about the shame that we feel

It is where countless tears have fallen

And where more truth has been shared

Which has brought about hard lessons

With many regrets also being declared

We talk of the hours that we’ve misspent

With those who’ve brought us much pain

Instead of loving ones we were needed by

And from whom we had much more to gain

We go back and revisit the times now past

A better understanding we wish to achieve

Not knowing how hard our path will be

When it challenges everything we believe

I’m not the only one who’s struggled here

In this place where many of us have come

To uload all the burdens that we’ve carried

And to discover what we can now become

It’s in this place that we now start to grow
Because here most of us have had to learn
We are not at all who we were taught to be
And some bridges are better left to burn

Now what I do see in this tiny little room

Are the ones who’ve earned great respect

Ones who deserve to always be honored

And who God blesses and will always protect

Shame: What You Can Do About It

Rae — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 16:57:56 +0000

This is from http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame.html.

Most of us have problems with shame, to one degree or another.

The first article in this series (“About Shame”) helped you to learn if you have a big problem with shame. This second article is for anyone who finds any shame in their life.

YOUR OVERALL GOAL

To overcome shame, you need to learn that  it’s OK to be who you are! To get there, you must have  and absorb deeply  many separate moments  of being accepted, loved, or valued. I’ll be giving you some practical ideas about how to do this.

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO YOU

Stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not OK. Spend more and more of your time with  the people who know you are OK the way you are. And let them know more and more about you. Choose your relationships based on how you are treated  - not just on whether the other person feels “comfortable.”  (We are “comfortable” with what we are used to  - even when it’s bad for us!) Treat people the way you want to be treated.  It’s contagious.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY

Tell them to stop it! If they keep it up, don’t tell them over and over.  This is like “begging.” It makes you feel weak in their presence.  You need to feel strong when you have to be around such people! Expect people who treat you badly  to keep it up  and hold them responsible  for how they treat you. Hold yourself responsible  for how much time you spend with them, how you respond to their mistreatment, and whether you take their opinions seriously.  When people imply that you aren’t valuable,  they are wrong.  You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately. (You know how angry you get when you are treated this way.  This anger is your guide. It tells you that this person’s opinion of you is worthless and can be thrown away without question.) Know that only a few people are likely to treat you poorly.  The rest of us are ready to treat you well! (If you catch yourself thinking otherwise,  at least remind yourself that I am positive you are wrong!)

NEXT…

The suggestions coming up next are even more important than what you’ve read so far.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU WELL

Absorb it!   Always take at least a few seconds  to FEEL the good feelings you get when you are treated well. Let your appreciation show.  (Your natural smile will do just fine!)   Showing your appreciation reinforces the other person  and encourages them to stay around you longer. Don’t talk yourself out of it!  Most compliments are honest.  Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean!  Turn down the manipulation  but accept the compliment!   For example: “Thanks for noticing I have good taste in cars,  but I still won’t pay what you are asking for this one.”

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT LATER

The most important factor in overcoming shame is how you treat yourself when you get home!   When you’ve been treated poorly how do you treat yourself afterwards? The Unhealthy Option: Focus on yourself and wonder if they were right  about the bad things they said!  ”Maybe they are right and I am a jerk!”  ”Maybe I am stupid!” The Healthy Option:  Focus on your anger at the mistreatment!  ”What a jerk he was!”  ”What’s wrong with someone like that!?” ”Who asked for her opinion?!” When you’ve been treated well  how do you treat yourself afterwards?   Do you relax and think about the good things?   Do you mentally recycle the best parts?   Do you notice how much you agree about your good qualities?   Do you take the time to ENJOY feeling good?

ANSWERS TO THE USUAL OBJECTIONS

Q: “What about all the horrible mistakes I made in my life?” 

A: “You needed to make them, to learn.  Now that you know they were mistakes, you have learned!”

 Q: “What about all the people I’ve hurt?” 

A: “And what about all the people they’ve hurt?   Hurting each other is awful, but it’s part of life.”

 Q: “Won’t I keep screwing up if I don’t feel ashamed?” 

A: “It never stopped you in the past!  Shame doesn’t control you. YOU control you.”

 Q: “This is all B.S.! I’m bad, and I know it, and I need to feel this way.”

 A: “Your pain is only a warning.  You’ve got your warning.  Feeling more of it won’t help anything.”

 Q: “We all need to suffer or else terrible things will happen in this world!”

 A: “If you ever meet the mean people who taught you that,  tell them I said they were full of it!”

About Shame

Rae — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:41:51 +0000

This is from http://helpyourselftherapy.com/topics/shame.html.

SHAME AND GUILT

Shame is not the same as guilt. When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did. When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn  that it’s OK to make mistakes.  When we feel shame we need to learn  that it’s OK to be who we are!

WHERE SHAME COMES FROM

Shame comes from being taught  that we are worthless or bad or something similar. It comes in childhood from adults who say things like: ”You’ll never amount to anything!” ”You are worthless!” ”I wish you were never born!” ”Shame on you!” It also comes from severe physical discipline since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child: ”You don’t matter at all!  Only what you do matters!” And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior. It comes from adults who say: ”What would the neighbors think of you if they knew…?” ”You look ridiculous!” ”Don’t you have any pride?” ”What’s wrong with you anyway!?” And it comes from being threatened  with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation. When we are threatened with these things,  the psychological message is the same: ”I can and will treat you any way I want to…  You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!”

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?

People who are shamed  have to live in the same world as all the rest of us but they have to live in it  with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless. The amount of continuous pressure  a deeply shamed person feels is immense. When they are doing well,  they think it’s only a matter of time  before they are discovered as useless.  When they make mistakes,  they expect a terrifying degree of anger  from the people they disappoint. Every act is a “test”  - and they are convinced  that it’s only a matter of time  before they fail completely.

LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING “AS IF” YOU ARE O.K.

Some people who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives to prove that they are worthless! The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts,  and impulsive criminals are good examples. Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen and to be recognized “for who I really am.” But since they actually believe they are worthless, they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness  to everyone in their lives. They don’t hurt their families and friends because they don’t love them  or because they want to hurt them. They hurt their families and friends  out of this need to be “known”  - and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.   Most people who are convinced they are worthless live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth. These are the people who are constantly worried  about what you think of them, and who constantly think  that you are judging them. When you tell them they did a good job  they feel good for a few minutes, but they soon feel worthless again (and think that you wouldn’t like them  if you “really” knew them). If you tell them they did a poor job  they will either feel a strong urge to cry or they will show an immense amount of anger  at you for saying such a “horrible” thing! They don’t understand  you are only commenting on the last thing they did. They think you are commenting on them,  and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?

People who’ve been deeply shamed  need to be fully loved and accepted and valued! Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them. Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them. Most people need a therapist along the way  who shows them their value, and who, perhaps more importantly, helps them to stop  all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth. Every person who is overcoming shame  will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.  One lover or friend or therapist is never enough. The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life, the more deeply they will accept the love they need. (The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course  - just not nearly as valuable.) Overcoming shame takes a long time. But it is well worth it for the moment  when the deeply shamed person finally says with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice: ”You know, I really am a good person!”

The Expense of Spirit in a Waste of Shame

Rae — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 22:43:06 +0000

Sonnet 129

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame

Is lust in action; and till action, lust

Is perjured, murderous, bloody, full of blame,

Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust;

Enjoyed no sooner but despisèd straight:

Past reason hunted; and no sooner had,

Past reason hated, as a swallowed bait,

On purpose laid to make the taker mad:

Mad in pursuit, and in possession so;

Had, having, and in quest to have, extreme;

A bliss in proof, and proved, a very woe;

Before, a joy proposed; behind, a dream.

All this the world well knows; yet none knows well

To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell.

- William Shakespeare

Secrets

Rae — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:26:08 +0000

I am stuck in wanting to lay some blame

And wishing some experiences were gone

I can’t seem to escape feeling the shame

And now it’s keeping me from moving on

I’ve been surrounded by a lack of propriety

And in many ways I have been offended

Now I’m desperate to avoid the notoriety

For something I wish I could have ended

I did not wish to be taken to that place

And have been told that I am not at fault

But I’m filled with the feelings of disgrace

That always comes along with an assault

I retain the fear and don’t want to reveal

I chase away the advice that is bestowed

I diligently defend my rights to conceal

I know I choose to carry this heavy load

I seem unable to gain the understanding

Of what it will mean to no longer hide

But how long can I keep withstanding

By continuing to keep everything inside

I try and imagine what could be attained

If I could become brave enough to impart

And what it would be like to be unstained

Or to be able to change my cynical heart

Where have all these secrets gotten me

And where will my heart keep being led

By choosing to continue not to discuss

And concealing everything inside instead

Starting To Fray

Rae — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:31:41 +0000

All this frustration that is starting to reign

Comes from things I’ve begun to ascertain

And then from the build up of all this pain

Now I seem to be blind to what I may attain

This ambivalence that I feel is just so strong

I feel that I had choices and I chose wrong

Should I have carried this blame for so long

For these things that I’ve believed all along

I know why the real me has been mislaid

And growth in my heart has been delayed

There are too many prices that I have paid

For all those choices that I thought I made

There are many memories I don’t hold dear

It is into the past I no longer want to peer

I can’t seem to escape these cycles of fear

Or all of the moments I want to disappear

I have had so many days when I have wept

And countless nights that I have not slept

Because of the things I must learn to accept

And so many of the secrets that I have kept

I’ve been trying to avoid all of the disgrace

By not answering many questions that I face

I still resent the things that have taken place

And this new advice I can’t seem to embrace

I think that my emotions are leading me astray

I don’t know how to make this hurt go away

And even though I manage to hold on everyday

It feels like my fabric is starting to fray

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Introspection

Rae — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:33:16 +0000

Introspection continues to bring more pain

It keeps pushing us to an unsatisfied place

Where others who’ve also been dishonored

Have the same lingering fear of disgrace

There are many who have felt this shame

And it should not have been ours to feel

So much has been taken from our hearts

Things that no one had any right to steal

Our hearts have become difficult to reach

And now they are always kept on guard

Trying to push back the pain remembered

Makes learning how to trust again so hard

Choices made in response are confronted

As well as strategies we’ve devised to deal

Yet the barriers that we’ve carefully created

Refuse to come down and allow us to heal

What’s left in this supposedly secure world

Are hearts that are broken and overthrown

Desperate to find a way to shut it all out

Firmly believing that we can hold our own

We are filled with rebellious independence

We’ve been committed to self protection

Thinking we are keeping our hearts safe

We keep resisting any type of a connection

It violates all of our natural understanding

This act of giving up life in order to find it

But we must learn how to be alive again

Even when our hearts try to get us to quit

I Need To Impart

Rae — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 22:02:10 +0000

What have I missed

By failing to exist

With no one to assist

As the pain did persist

I wish to lay blame

And point the shame

At a different name

So they feel the same

I now think through

And bring into view

With intent to construe

What I know is true

I am in this plateau

Fighting the flow

Refusing to let go

Despite what I know

I’m feeling perplexed

And constantly vexed

I wonder what’s next

As I write this text

The heaviness stays

But in many ways

I do need this phase

And the role it plays

Where does it all lead

And what do I need

In order to proceed

So that I can succeed

I have been set apart

Now in order to restart

I know I need to impart

So I can free my heart

I’ve Learned

Rae — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:55:50 +0000

I’ve learned that returning to those places

Has made me relive every nightmare

And I’m asking if Hell is still below me

Or wondering if maybe I’m already there

I’ve learned when things don’t kill you

A lasting scar is what they leave behind

There are ones that are clearly visible

And there are ones that secretly remind

I’ve learned from wounds I’ve accrued

That the invisible ones are far more trying

And it also seems that they are the ones

That I spend most of my time denying

I’ve learned that being strong isn’t easy

I’m not sure I am able to do what it takes

I’m desperate to avoid repeating the story

I don’t want to fall for the same mistakes

I’ve learned how to give up all my rights

And was expected to do what I was told

I was threatened and told not to divulge

And since, by fear I have been controlled

I’ve learned going back makes it more real

And I am so afraid of the fear and shame

They say going back will help me to heal

But part of me thinks I am still to blame

I’ve learned that it is all of these beliefs

That they are making a prisoner out of me

I am the one who has created these walls

Now I am feeling like I want to break free

I’ve learned that even though I was living

I know that I’ve been dying to feel alive

I can say that I want more this time around

I’m starting to feel like I want to survive

I’ve learned that there is so much more

And this part of me that I thought had died

Now wants to come out and experience life

And convince me that I don’t need to hide

I’ve learned that things are not as they seem

And the lies that I was taught are not true

I am not the bad person that I thought I was

I’m a good person that bad things happened to

All I Have Missed

Rae — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:04:26 +0000

My soul has been battered and scarred

And my heart I am desperate to protect

I feel that I can’t take any more chances

Because I just don’t know what to expect

I have learned from my past experiences

That judgment almost always does come

And I never know what shape it might take

It could be a word or a look from some

It doesn’t matter how it gets delivered

Because the pain felt is always the same

The fear continues to get bigger inside

With deeper feelings of doubt and shame

And then when it is all over and done

I am standing alone mindless and abused

I have no ability to pick up all the pieces

I feel like everything has been misused

I just can’t seem to find the courage

To let my heart become known again

Or trust that it will not be struck down

And then left to feel the familiar pain

But I have been betrayed by desire

It has been pushing me not to forget

It keeps sending me many reminders

Not to make choices that I will regret

It has taken time to find ones to ask

And determine if I should then confide

I do hope that they will not turn away

Then leave me standing alone outside

Through my searching I have learned

That these hearts I thought didn’t exist

Have been waiting for me all along

And are showing me all I have missed

We Do Proclaim

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:47:46 +0000

To the body and soul there has been a violation

An outrage was committed without consideration

Thoroughly affected from the deep penetration

It is at ourselves that we do vent our frustration

Into life we thought we were given an invitation

But were actually handed a lasting complication

We were made to feel that we were the causation

And our heart became numb from the realization

Now we stand alone without any explanation

And forever we will search for some salvation

We have succumbed and deadened our desire

Completely dismissing everything that we require

And are much too afraid to question or enquire

We believe we have earned what we did acquire

Now it is all of our yearnings we wish to retire

Wanting to keep our hearts from being under fire

Never wanting to remember what did transpire

The necessity to hide continues to get higher

And all we hope for is to slide under the wire

So we put on our masks and we wear the attire

With a heart that is filled with too much hate

We put up walls so we can be safe in our wait

And hope that our desires will start to abate

Dignity marred is what we don’t want to create

We wish we could erase everything on this slate

And stop the erosion of our fragile mental state

So it’s with strong conviction that we do dictate

That our lives do not become a public debate

The efforts to protect are a very heavy weight

And personal death moves at a very slow rate

None of the responsibility did they claim

So then we believed that we were to blame

We just moved through life without any aim

With fear inside that makes it hard to exclaim

For if we do then nothing will be the same

But now we start to feel like we want to reclaim

And find more definitions and then to rename

It is from our hearts that we do now proclaim

As we learn to acknowledge what we became

That it is not us that should feel the shame

Am I Losing Me?

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:16:09 +0000

I hear you talking but I’m not really there

Not knowing what to say as I feel your glare

My mind slips so that I am no longer aware

You wonder what’s behind my empty stare

You want to meet me because you do care

But I can’t seem to tell you how to get there

I’ve been there and now I am back again

Forced to look at what the past does contain

I fight to stay afloat amidst all of the pain

Looking for something to remove the stain

With too many things no one can explain

Grasping for something I can never obtain

It’s all there swirling around in my head

I try to figure out if I have made this bed

From so many things that I’ve left unsaid

As I sort through all the lies I’ve been fed

And continue to fear the road that’s ahead

Sometimes wishing I could go back instead

Haunting questions that are too hard to face

And desperate avoidance of a state of disgrace

It’s numbing indulgences I use to erase

Yet nothing will disappear without a trace

There’s something missing I can never replace

My soul tries to breathe as it looks for space

I see now and then with my eyes open wide

That matters will get worse if I choose to hide

But sometimes it feels like my hands are tied

With all of the broken tears that I’ve cried

From wounds by those that failed to provide

Feeling like I’ll always stand on the outside

The distance is shorter and the fall is steep

Closer to the edge I continue to creep

Not sure I can survive if I end this sleep

I retain what is real and it makes me weep

There are some promises no one can keep

It feels too late and I’m lost way too deep

An ashamed heart that is aching to be free

This lonely prison that contains the debris

Makes it hard to determine what could be

With so many things that I cannot foresee

Feeling overcome by all the uncertainty

I then start to wonder, “Am I losing me?”

Increasing Love

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:13:28 +0000

It is in despair that we have woken

With shattered bits that are a token

Small reminders that we are broken

Mend our heart is what we’ve spoken

Lessons learned have made us wary

So that our dreams appear to be airy

Many memories we still try to bury

But a desire to forgive we do carry

We hang on to many an ancient feud

One of the faults that we have accrued

And other sins that we should include

Despite them all, can we be renewed

Have we come to a point of no return

From moving in life without concern

From all our choices what did we earn

To be pardoned is what we do yearn

Throughout our lives we did portray

And now on bended knees we pray

That God will help us find our way

Our doubt and fear slowly fade away

The anger, guilt, and shame decreases

We will leave them all in little pieces

Our time comes and the pain releases

Deep in our heart the love increases