Poemae Qui Aperio » Pain & Sorrow

Shadows of Your Offenses

Rae — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:17:44 +0000

I’ve learned that the dice were loaded for me

It seems to have made the road more tough

And I continue to be blinded by all that I see

The explanations it seems are never enough

I still can’t make out what this picture will be

Even though I’ve connected many of the dots

I’ve searched for so long to try and find a key

And I’ve been unraveling so many of the knots

There’s a difference in the way you needed me

And the way that I needed you way back then

It’s the way that you needed that has made me

Not want to remember and feel that way again

I’ve spent my life with an abscense of dignity

Thinking I’ll crash and burn if I follow my heart

Believing everything in life to be untrustworthy

And that there was no way that I could impart

In these shackles I’ve worn there’s a familiarity

But from inside this castle that’s made of glass

What I consider to be normal might be insanity

And longings and memories continue to harass

It’s not lies, it’s myths that are truth’s enemy

They’ve kept me from standing up to my fears

Now this obsessive avoidance does control me

But I’m tired of the flow of these anxious tears

Now my head and heart are beginning to agree

That from this contempt there is nothing to gain

Yet I refuse to let go and hold on to it faithfully

It is my attack on the perceived cause of pain

But now I’ve met my overdeveloped deniability

I’m tired of life in the shadows of your offenses

Now I want to figure out how to fight to be free

I want to learn how to bring down these fences

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Not Wanting Anyone to Want Me

Rae — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:35:28 +0000

I’ve tried to make known what my scars have to say

As they have become harder and harder to hide

But things get much more difficult to convey

And then there are details I just can’t provide

I’ve been struggling to pick up pieces of my mind

And have been scrambling from who I used to be

Trying to figure out what it is that I need to find

Because I am desperate to realize my true identity

My way I was taught would never come about

So I tried to offer what I believed to be wanted

But no matter what I did I still went without

Leaving a soul that is now distant and haunted

So then one day I made myself this guarantee

Building of barriers around my heart did begin

I’ll never give anyone the best of what’s in me

And I won’t let anyone peel away all of my skin

Take cues from the pain is what I’ve learned

And you can never hide your heart deep enough

You don’t have to play with fire to get burned

And sooner or later everyone will play rough

Now I can’t make my mind picture what could be

Lately all it seems to be able to do is reminisce

And now I’m stuck not wanting anyone to want me

Because I expect heartache even before the first kiss

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

All That Is Seen

Rae — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 03:53:08 +0000

Memories too stubborn to leave or last

Memories too stubborn to leave or last

And days that were kind enough to pass

Now our looking glass is stained and broken

And so many lies are still being spoken

By the untrusting ghosts of our past

All while lacking the comprehension

Failures seemed to get all the attention

Self-worth deteriorates and is almost gone

Due to false conclusions being drawn

And our strong powers of retention

We try to learn where the line does lie

It’s hard to find but we continue to try

When it’s found it’s sometimes too late

Then we’re supposed to accept our fate

Instead we attempt to turn a blind eye

Energy is wasted wanting to settle scores

And all that remains are scarred doors

Battles are fought with shame-based rage

But from these fights that we do wage

More spoils remain from internal wars

We learn contempt increases vulnerability

And that emotion obscures our visibility

We want to put off the future for a day

And we’re wishing the past would not stay

But have learned that it’s an impossibility

All that is seen is seen upside down

Burden’s carried drag to the ground

Tears fall in ashes of chances burned

The day ends dismissing what’s learned

While losing sight of the thorny crown

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

This Tiny Little Room

Rae — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:48:33 +0000

As my eyes explore this tiny little room

I start to ponder what’s been spoken here

What unimagineable stories it must know

And the secrets that these walls hold dear

All the memories that’ve passed our lips

In this safe place where we can reveal

Many of the stories from our broken pasts

And words about the shame that we feel

It is where countless tears have fallen

And where more truth has been shared

Which has brought about hard lessons

With many regrets also being declared

We talk of the hours that we’ve misspent

With those who’ve brought us much pain

Instead of loving ones we were needed by

And from whom we had much more to gain

We go back and revisit the times now past

A better understanding we wish to achieve

Not knowing how hard our path will be

When it challenges everything we believe

I’m not the only one who’s struggled here

In this place where many of us have come

To uload all the burdens that we’ve carried

And to discover what we can now become

It’s in this place that we now start to grow
Because here most of us have had to learn
We are not at all who we were taught to be
And some bridges are better left to burn

Now what I do see in this tiny little room

Are the ones who’ve earned great respect

Ones who deserve to always be honored

And who God blesses and will always protect

I Sometimes Wish

Rae — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:07:47 +0000

I sometimes wish I could see the truth

And know more details of my youth

But most times I am much too afraid

Of the prices that I think might be paid

I sometimes wish for a glance ahead

So I’d know what is better left unsaid

There’s things I’d like to be unspoken

Even if it leaves me still feeling broken

I sometimes wish that I could be brave

All these barriers I could then waive

And show the things I have concealed

So that the real me would be revealed

I sometimes wish that I had less fear

And all the parts of me could cohere

Then one could not rule over the rest

I’m just so tired of this absurd contest

I sometimes wish that all my desires

And all the things my heart requires

Would just stop nipping at my heels

But they don’t despite all my apeals

I sometimes wish that I could undo

Many things that I have been through

Even when I know they’ve shaped me

Right now it’s the pain I can only see

I sometimes wish that I could recall

I’d know who to blame once and for all

For all of this hurt that does still exist

And the heartache that does still persist

I sometimes wish that I could reveal

Everything that my heart does feel

But to think of what the cost could be

It doesn’t feel like I would be set free

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Did I Choose Wrong

Rae — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 03:05:56 +0000

I’ve spent so much time being hurt

An abundance of energy I did exert

To keep my heart carefully protected

Just trying to do what was expected

The ones from where pain has come

And where the blame does flow from

I’ve let them decide how I am defined

Just how is that I have been so blind

The pain would come with such force

The bitterness depended on the source

Then I decided it would hurt no more

I slowly learned how to close the door

I kept the walls from tumbling down

Managing pieces that fell to the ground

And all those barriers that I did make

I felt kept me safe but were a mistake

While all the mysteries are explored

With many memories that are abhorred

I try to see things from a new angle

There’s many things I cannot untangle

I can feel a coldness taking over me

Even though I am still fighting to see

Just what it is that my heart requires

Instead of just deadening my desires

It is my heart that refuses to commit

My mind keeps telling me not to acquit

Unanswered questions linger long

I continue to ask “did I choose wrong”

Grey

Rae — Sun, 23 Aug 2009 11:55:19 +0000

*** This poem was written by a friend of mine who gave me permission to post it. I am sure that those who read it, at some point in their lives, have perhaps felt some of the same things. Thanks Trusty Sidekick. ***

I’m not depressed, I’m disappointed,

I’m not bored, I’m underwhelmed,

The ship of life has sailed without me,

I am not there at the helm.

I’m not plain, but I’m not pretty,

I’m not old, but youth has passed,

And life doesn’t hand out ribbons

To the one who’s always last.

I’m not in pain, but I am hurting,

I’m not blind, but I don’t see,

And the world is full of wonder,

But it isn’t meant for me.

I do not want, nor am I wanted,

I exist, but do not live,

And the world wants something from me,

But I have nothing left to give.

I’m not sad, but I’m not happy,

I’m not scared, but I’m not safe,

And it’s not that I don’t love you,

But I wish you’d go away.

I’m alone, but I’m not lonely,

I’m not right, but I’m not wrong,

What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger,

But I’m tired of being strong.

And so I seek the answers,

Do I quit, or do I fight?

Do I give into the darkness,

Or do I step into the light?

- KHM

Feelings of Discontentment

Rae — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 09:21:24 +0000

I’ve been asked to sort through my losses

And then to accept that some will stay gone

But the taste of bitterness is still lingering

It guides and prevents me from moving on

I’m stuck thinking I can keep my heart safe

I can’t seem to take the well meant advice

It feels so right to don this cloak of denial

Not acknowledging that I am paying a price

This battle in my soul keeps refusing to stop

And my heart is filled with rage and despair

The pain is hidden by a propensity to pretend

The doubts and fears still continue to impair

The confusion and frustration are persistent

Fear of condemnation makes the air go stale

This existence that is masquerading as life

Has bonds on my soul that I fear will not fail

My resistance is so strong that it is painful

But I understand what is holding me back

It is the fear that I will still feel the rejection

I have learned it is faith and trust that I lack

My confidence in love has been disturbed

And I am desperate to find and explanation

Many angry questions have been provoked

Is love authentic or is it out of an obligation

I resent the legitimate longings of my heart

My anger is directed at where they flow from

Because it is much easier to hate the hunger

Than it is to wait for the satisfaction to come

The determination to survive independently

Has been reigning in my world for so long

And the struggle to remove it from its throne

Is so arduous and it continues to hold strong

I’m getting tired of grief’s infinite patience

And the way it just sits and waits for me

I keep wanting to avoid parts of the process

And push back against what is trying to be

But these constant feelings of discontentment

Are telling me my heart needs to be realigned

And that I need to gain some new perspective

So I stop feeling like I’ll always be left behind

Starting To Fray

Rae — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:31:41 +0000

All this frustration that is starting to reign

Comes from things I’ve begun to ascertain

And then from the build up of all this pain

Now I seem to be blind to what I may attain

This ambivalence that I feel is just so strong

I feel that I had choices and I chose wrong

Should I have carried this blame for so long

For these things that I’ve believed all along

I know why the real me has been mislaid

And growth in my heart has been delayed

There are too many prices that I have paid

For all those choices that I thought I made

There are many memories I don’t hold dear

It is into the past I no longer want to peer

I can’t seem to escape these cycles of fear

Or all of the moments I want to disappear

I have had so many days when I have wept

And countless nights that I have not slept

Because of the things I must learn to accept

And so many of the secrets that I have kept

I’ve been trying to avoid all of the disgrace

By not answering many questions that I face

I still resent the things that have taken place

And this new advice I can’t seem to embrace

I think that my emotions are leading me astray

I don’t know how to make this hurt go away

And even though I manage to hold on everyday

It feels like my fabric is starting to fray

Introspection

Rae — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:33:16 +0000

Introspection continues to bring more pain

It keeps pushing us to an unsatisfied place

Where others who’ve also been dishonored

Have the same lingering fear of disgrace

There are many who have felt this shame

And it should not have been ours to feel

So much has been taken from our hearts

Things that no one had any right to steal

Our hearts have become difficult to reach

And now they are always kept on guard

Trying to push back the pain remembered

Makes learning how to trust again so hard

Choices made in response are confronted

As well as strategies we’ve devised to deal

Yet the barriers that we’ve carefully created

Refuse to come down and allow us to heal

What’s left in this supposedly secure world

Are hearts that are broken and overthrown

Desperate to find a way to shut it all out

Firmly believing that we can hold our own

We are filled with rebellious independence

We’ve been committed to self protection

Thinking we are keeping our hearts safe

We keep resisting any type of a connection

It violates all of our natural understanding

This act of giving up life in order to find it

But we must learn how to be alive again

Even when our hearts try to get us to quit

I Need To Impart

Rae — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 22:02:10 +0000

What have I missed

By failing to exist

With no one to assist

As the pain did persist

I wish to lay blame

And point the shame

At a different name

So they feel the same

I now think through

And bring into view

With intent to construe

What I know is true

I am in this plateau

Fighting the flow

Refusing to let go

Despite what I know

I’m feeling perplexed

And constantly vexed

I wonder what’s next

As I write this text

The heaviness stays

But in many ways

I do need this phase

And the role it plays

Where does it all lead

And what do I need

In order to proceed

So that I can succeed

I have been set apart

Now in order to restart

I know I need to impart

So I can free my heart

Am I Losing Me?

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:16:09 +0000

I hear you talking but I’m not really there

Not knowing what to say as I feel your glare

My mind slips so that I am no longer aware

You wonder what’s behind my empty stare

You want to meet me because you do care

But I can’t seem to tell you how to get there

I’ve been there and now I am back again

Forced to look at what the past does contain

I fight to stay afloat amidst all of the pain

Looking for something to remove the stain

With too many things no one can explain

Grasping for something I can never obtain

It’s all there swirling around in my head

I try to figure out if I have made this bed

From so many things that I’ve left unsaid

As I sort through all the lies I’ve been fed

And continue to fear the road that’s ahead

Sometimes wishing I could go back instead

Haunting questions that are too hard to face

And desperate avoidance of a state of disgrace

It’s numbing indulgences I use to erase

Yet nothing will disappear without a trace

There’s something missing I can never replace

My soul tries to breathe as it looks for space

I see now and then with my eyes open wide

That matters will get worse if I choose to hide

But sometimes it feels like my hands are tied

With all of the broken tears that I’ve cried

From wounds by those that failed to provide

Feeling like I’ll always stand on the outside

The distance is shorter and the fall is steep

Closer to the edge I continue to creep

Not sure I can survive if I end this sleep

I retain what is real and it makes me weep

There are some promises no one can keep

It feels too late and I’m lost way too deep

An ashamed heart that is aching to be free

This lonely prison that contains the debris

Makes it hard to determine what could be

With so many things that I cannot foresee

Feeling overcome by all the uncertainty

I then start to wonder, “Am I losing me?”