Most of us have problems with shame, to one degree or another.

The first article in this series (“About Shame”)
helped you to learn if you have a big problem with shame.  This second article is for anyone who finds any shame in their life.

YOUR OVERALL GOAL

To overcome shame, you need to learn that 
it’s OK to be who you are!  To get there, you must have 
and absorb deeply 
many separate moments 
of being accepted, loved, or valued.  I’ll be giving you some practical ideas about how to do this.

ABOUT THE PEOPLE WHO ARE CLOSEST TO YOU

Stop relying on anyone who treats you as if you are not OK.  Spend more and more of your time with 
the people who know you are OK the way you are.
And let them know more and more about you.  Choose your relationships based on how you are treated 
- not just on whether the other person feels “comfortable.” 
(We are “comfortable” with what we are used to 
- even when it’s bad for us!)  Treat people the way you want to be treated. 
It’s contagious.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU POORLY

Tell them to stop it!
If they keep it up, don’t tell them over and over. 
This is like “begging.”
It makes you feel weak in their presence. 
You need to feel strong when you have to be around such people!  Expect people who treat you badly 
to keep it up 
and hold them responsible 
for how they treat you.  Hold yourself responsible 
for how much time you spend with them,
how you respond to their mistreatment,
and whether you take their opinions seriously.
  When people imply that you aren’t valuable, 
they are wrong.
  You must learn how to throw away such comments immediately.
(You know how angry you get when you are treated this way. 
This anger is your guide.
It tells you that this person’s opinion of you is worthless
and can be thrown away without question.)  Know that only a few people are likely to treat you poorly. 
The rest of us are ready to treat you well!  (If you catch yourself thinking otherwise, 
at least remind yourself that I am positive you are wrong!)

NEXT…

The suggestions coming up next are even more important than what you’ve read so far.

WHEN PEOPLE TREAT YOU WELL

Absorb it!

  Always take at least a few seconds 
to FEEL the good feelings you get when you are treated well.  Let your appreciation show. 
(Your natural smile will do just fine!)

  Showing your appreciation reinforces the other person 
and encourages them to stay around you longer.  Don’t talk yourself out of it!
  Most compliments are honest. 
Even when someone is trying to manipulate you they say things they mean!
  Turn down the manipulation 
but accept the compliment!

  For example:  “Thanks for noticing I have good taste in cars, 
but I still won’t pay what you are asking for this one.”

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT IT LATER

The most important factor in overcoming shame is
how you treat yourself when you get home!

  When you’ve been treated poorly
how do you treat yourself afterwards?  The Unhealthy Option:
Focus on yourself and wonder if they were right 
about the bad things they said!  
”Maybe they are right and I am a jerk!” 
”Maybe I am stupid!”  The Healthy Option: 
Focus on your anger at the mistreatment!  
”What a jerk he was!”  
”What’s wrong with someone like that!?”  ”Who asked for her opinion?!”  When you’ve been treated well 
how do you treat yourself afterwards?

  Do you relax and think about the good things?

  Do you mentally recycle the best parts?  

Do you notice how much you agree about your good qualities?  

Do you take the time to ENJOY feeling good?

ANSWERS TO THE USUAL OBJECTIONS

Q: “What about all the horrible mistakes I made in my life?”


A: “You needed to make them, to learn. 
Now that you know they were mistakes, you have learned!”


Q: “What about all the people I’ve hurt?”


A: “And what about all the people they’ve hurt? 
 Hurting each other is awful, but it’s part of life.”


Q: “Won’t I keep screwing up if I don’t feel ashamed?”


A: “It never stopped you in the past! 
Shame doesn’t control you. YOU control you.”


Q: “This is all B.S.! I’m bad, and I know it, and I need to feel this way.”


A: “Your pain is only a warning. 
You’ve got your warning. 
Feeling more of it won’t help anything.”


Q: “We all need to suffer or else terrible things will happen in this world!”


A: “If you ever meet the mean people who taught you that, 
tell them I said they were full of it!”

SHAME AND GUILT

Shame is not the same as guilt.  When we feel guilt, it’s about something we did.
When we feel shame, it’s about who we are. When we feel guilty we need to learn 
that it’s OK to make mistakes.

When we feel shame we need to learn 
that it’s OK to be who we are!

WHERE SHAME COMES FROM

Shame comes from being taught 
that we are worthless or bad or something similar.  It comes in childhood from adults who say things like:
”You’ll never amount to anything!”
”You are worthless!”
”I wish you were never born!”
”Shame on you!”  It also comes from severe physical discipline
since each hit of the hand or fist or belt says to the child:
”You don’t matter at all! 
Only what you do matters!”  And shame comes from being humiliated for our behavior.
It comes from adults who say:
”What would the neighbors think of you if they knew…?”
”You look ridiculous!”
”Don’t you have any pride?”
”What’s wrong with you anyway!?”  And it comes from being threatened 
with shaming, or physical discipline, or humiliation.
When we are threatened with these things, 
the psychological message is the same:
”I can and will treat you any way I want to… 
You are a worthless weakling at my disposal!”

WHAT HAPPENS TO PEOPLE WHO ARE SHAMED?

People who are shamed 
have to live in the same world as all the rest of us
but they have to live in it 
with the deep-down conviction that they are worthless.  The amount of continuous pressure 
a deeply shamed person feels is immense.  When they are doing well, 
they think it’s only a matter of time 
before they are discovered as useless.

When they make mistakes, 
they expect a terrifying degree of anger 
from the people they disappoint.  Every act is a “test” 
- and they are convinced 
that it’s only a matter of time 
before they fail completely.

LIVING IN SHAME AND LIVING “AS IF” YOU ARE O.K.

Some people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives to prove that they are worthless!
The most severe alcoholics, drug addicts, 
and impulsive criminals are good examples.  Like all of us, they have a deep need to be known and to be seen
and to be recognized “for who I really am.”
But since they actually believe they are worthless,
they have a strong need to prove their worthlessness 
to everyone in their lives.  They don’t hurt their families and friends because they don’t love them 
or because they want to hurt them.
They hurt their families and friends 
out of this need to be “known” 
- and out of the wrong belief that they are worthless.


Most people who are convinced they are worthless
live out their lives trying to prove they DO have worth.  These are the people who are constantly worried 
about what you think of them,
and who constantly think 
that you are judging them.  When you tell them they did a good job 
they feel good for a few minutes,
but they soon feel worthless again
(and think that you wouldn’t like them 
if you “really” knew them).  If you tell them they did a poor job 
they will either feel a strong urge to cry
or they will show an immense amount of anger 
at you for saying such a “horrible” thing!  They don’t understand 
you are only commenting on the last thing they did.
They think you are commenting on them, 
and on their worthlessness as human beings.

WHAT HELPS?

People who’ve been deeply shamed 
need to be fully loved and accepted and valued!  Some people find a lover who deeply accepts, loves, and values them.
Others find a group of friends who deeply accept, love, and value them.  Most people need a therapist along the way 
who shows them their value,
and who, perhaps more importantly,
helps them to stop 
all the repetitious self-talk about their lack of worth.  Every person who is overcoming shame 
will need to have many sources of love and acceptance.
  One lover or friend or therapist is never enough.  The more totally they can trust these new sources of love in their life,
the more deeply they will accept the love they need.
(The love of less trustable people is also valuable, of course 
- just not nearly as valuable.)  Overcoming shame takes a long time.
But it is well worth it for the moment 
when the deeply shamed person finally says
with unmistakable surprise and amazement in their voice:
”You know, I really am a good person!”

This is an excerpt from a book I am currently reading called Messy Faith by A.J.Gregory.  I have some appreciation for her perspective.

It is in reference to a passage from the book of John that goes as follows:  Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman ‘Where are your accusers?  Didn’t even one of them condemn you?‘  ’No Lord’, she said.  And Jesus said, ‘Neither do I,  Go and sin no more.‘  (John 8:11 NLT)

A.J says:

I think that what a part of “I forgive you, now go an sin no more” really means is confronting the behaviors or feelings that may have contributed to the acting out of sin.  I hear Jesus saying something like this to us: “You are forgiven.  My love for you is the same.  We’re cool.  Now, why did you do what you did?  What’s really going on in your messy, troubled, anxiety-ridden heart that we need to talk about?  What kind of internal work do you have to do to stop living the kind of life that is ultimately bringing you ruin, destruction, and general unhealth?”

*** This is a post from the Session Notes link that is on this website. *** 

http://www.henze-associates.com/blog/2009/08/02/cal/the-power-of-the-gospel/ 

The power of Eternality:

The man/woman who stands with no fear of death is the most dangerous being alive. The entirety of the system of this world rides on the ability to take a life from another. When death ceases to terrify, control is lost.

The power of Absolution:

This world — especially the Christian side of it — stands in the constant fear of guilt. It stands with heads hung in shame while playing roles designed to prove to those who hold this weeks rating scale that they do, indeed, measure up. The teachings of Jesus have been so bastardized and bent by the keepers of religious power that it actually seems reasonable when that-which-formerly-was is again brought as a means of enforcing the awareness of our guiltiness and pinned on Jesus. But, we didn’t get a Bandaid for our sins — we, with Christ, died to them — and were raised to a new life that doesn’t relate to them. Our heads can never again hang low — because the standard which judged us (The law) can never again condemn us — no matter what.

The power of Love:

So many people live in the fear that if they ever gave God control of their lives, He’d bring out massive pain and torment (and a few plagues from Egypt too) to finally hurt them enough to change them. Yet, Jesus made it very clear that to see His heart was to see the Father. It’s a heart that will never lead through shame, fear, guilt, condemnation, coercion, punishment, torment or wrath. It’s a gentle heart that works quietly inside — when we are ready — to call us to life.

The power of Life:

Almost every aspect of our world is focused upon dying. We have drugs — they keep us emotionally dead. We have TV and entertainment to keep us distracted until we die. We have disassociative meditative techniques that are used to attain the peace of the grave while living. We run from shame, fear, guilt and the paralysis that comes from feeling trapped and bound and this drives that seeking of death. Through canceling all of that, the Gospel not only reawakens the desire to live, it legitimated the call to live and unlocked the creative energy to drive such.

The power of Freedom:

Wanna know why our bricks and mortar churches are emptying by the droves? People heard that Jesus came to set them free — and something deep within them intuitively knows that a list of rules isn’t what He had in mind. The message of the Gospel isn’t less rules — it’s TOTAL freedom. “When a man finally grasps grace, he suddenly finds himself standing, naked and trembling, in such a wide open space that he can do naught else but reach up for a hand to hold — for a guide to lead him through.”Anon

The power of Intimacy:

We can reach up for that hand to hold and that guide who will lead us through. It’s safe now. The cross is critical to this for it proved that not only is God good — but it proved that who He is IS GOOD. The human race unleashed the very worst it had to offer on the one being in the universe who could have annihilated them with a thought — and He loved them so much He let them kill Him and then came back to love them even more. To love ME even more…

The power of Faith:

Faith isn’t belief — faith is Christ in you, the hope of Glory. The Christian life has nothing to do with trying harder or trying period. It’s about surrender to that new life which has been created in you to enough of a degree that you can stop trying and literally get the hell out of the way. It’s about a surrender to a wisdom so much greater then our own that the foundations of this sick and corrupt system of control we call life begin to get blown up — not just for yourself, but also for those you love.

The power of Holy Anger:

Jesus made one thing very clear: He didn’t come to make nice — He came to start a war. The religious leaders of the day didn’t kill, “Gentle Jesus meek and mild.” They killed a guy who they could plainly see was destroying everything about their system of religious power — not trying to start the Progressive Conservative/Republican party. Then, He turned to the disenfranchised, the broken, the humiliated, the poor, the shameful, the powerless and promised them a power greater then the world had ever seen — just before he invited them to join up and open fire.

The power of Humanness:

Look around the world — every major religion out there sees human beings as basically screwed up and disgusting. It then offers it’s prescription to fix them — if people will only tow their line. The Gospel sees people as made in the image of God and, though once broken, as currently perfect without them doing anything to fix themselves. (That’s God’s job.) He came not to destroy them — but to reverse that which was broken about them once and for all. He came to make them fully human and fully alive.

The power of Transformation:

The foundational job of the gospel is to tear back the veils that keep people from seeing the beauty and dignity of the current reality of their lives. Read that again — not to fix people, for that job is already done. The primary weapon we are given is truth — the ability to tear back the lies that have the ones we love trapped in a set of falsehoods that reduce them to that which formerly was (dead) and drive them towards a set of broken strategies which will never fulfill the deepest longings of their hearts.

The power of Passion:

The magical core of the Gospel is the call to the deepest desires of our hearts. If God made those hearts and planted those deep longings within them, then those deep longings have to be His will for our lives. All of the above was NOT done because God wants to finally get you to the point of being a well-trained-seal who will do some religious dance when told. He did all of the above so you could finally reach inside and discover that deepest place of your heart where He planted the vision He created for you to become — and then full-tilt LIVE IT OUT.

The Gospel is not seen in ethics. The Gospel is first seen when a human heart, transformed so that it both is able to hear the voice of God and longs to do so, begins to reach out for the hand of a loving father and, when finding that hand, begins to take the risk to step out and live.

The Gospel achieves it’s true 10,000 candle-power brilliance when that heart reaches out and loves, it stops and cries, it gives to another, it stands in defiance of the night, it attacks with fury, it rescues the broken, it binds up the wounded, it touches that paintbrush to canvas, it places finger to string or key, it speaks with fire and precision, it screams with the fury of Almighty God at the thought of one of His precious children living with even one chain, it kisses with passion and then it makes love with with all of the erotic intensity that only a heart set free can even risk.

It’s the captivating and irresistible master plan of liberty the God of the universe, exploding out of the passionate longings of His heart, wrote for you.

- Cal H. Henze   www.henze-associates.com

I have many memories from my childhood that I have not enjoyed exploring.  Going back into them invites the pain back, which brings out the defenses in full force and makes the emotions flow defiantly.  It seems strange that I feel that more of the pain is coming from understanding that the choices I have made, as a result of my experiences, were wrong rather than from the experiences that caused me to make them.  I initially thought that it was the memories of the events and how they had made me feel when they happened that was the major source of the pain I felt.  The memories hurt but it has been more difficult to accept that the choices that I have made, the ones that I have so adamantly defended, are what has been keeping me in the dark.  I think that I understand a bit more about where some of my decisions have led me.  I also think that I have a lot that I’ve yet to understand. 

In my teenage years, I thought a lot about taking my own life.  I think, at some point, most teenagers do.  Now as and adult, I realize in a way I did.  I was thinking about it and I think that anger, other people, the cosmos, and also God influence some suicides.  Other influences are deep heartaches and suicide seems like the only thing that will stop the pain.  Some of us don’t end our mortal lives though; we just stop living, which is another kind of suicide.  I think that those of us who have gone unnoticed, disregarded, ignored or have been hurt in other ways are the ones that have the highest probability of arriving at the outer edges of the spectrum.  That’s what happens when your soul has so many footprints on it.  

Sometimes people would convince me that they would catch me if I let go and it was just a trap and then they would all laugh at me while I lay on the ground bleeding.  It seemed like choosing to stop living and never again take any chances was a much better choice than to live face down in the dirt buried by immoral laughter.  I don’t think that I stopped living all at once; I think it happened piece by piece over time.  Some of it happened from having to listen to a silent scream that came from deep within my heart that was so painfully loud and it kept saying, “pick me”.    

I also think that everyone has a part of themselves they are not particularly fond of.  They carry that part of themselves around like a weight.  The part of myself that I am not fond of is the part that hurts or abandons other people because I immediately assume that they will or think that they have hurt me when they won’t or haven’t.   I think it is the fortunate ones that realize that when the weight gets too heavy, they have a choice.  They can choose to set it down.  Once they have set it down they gain the ability to see things the way they really are.  I think I am maybe starting to see things a bit differently because I have set it down, but I don’t think I have let go of the handles yet and I may need a bit more time before I can walk away from it completely.  It is really hard though to let go of something that you feel saved your life.

But I know that, with each one of these realizations that God helps me to come to and with each weight that He helps me to choose to set down, I will continue to slowly come back to life.