Poemae Qui Aperio » Heart & Soul

Shadows of Your Offenses

Rae — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:17:44 +0000

I’ve learned that the dice were loaded for me

It seems to have made the road more tough

And I continue to be blinded by all that I see

The explanations it seems are never enough

I still can’t make out what this picture will be

Even though I’ve connected many of the dots

I’ve searched for so long to try and find a key

And I’ve been unraveling so many of the knots

There’s a difference in the way you needed me

And the way that I needed you way back then

It’s the way that you needed that has made me

Not want to remember and feel that way again

I’ve spent my life with an abscense of dignity

Thinking I’ll crash and burn if I follow my heart

Believing everything in life to be untrustworthy

And that there was no way that I could impart

In these shackles I’ve worn there’s a familiarity

But from inside this castle that’s made of glass

What I consider to be normal might be insanity

And longings and memories continue to harass

It’s not lies, it’s myths that are truth’s enemy

They’ve kept me from standing up to my fears

Now this obsessive avoidance does control me

But I’m tired of the flow of these anxious tears

Now my head and heart are beginning to agree

That from this contempt there is nothing to gain

Yet I refuse to let go and hold on to it faithfully

It is my attack on the perceived cause of pain

But now I’ve met my overdeveloped deniability

I’m tired of life in the shadows of your offenses

Now I want to figure out how to fight to be free

I want to learn how to bring down these fences

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Just Trust Me

Rae — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 12:14:07 +0000

Just Trust Me

Over time your soul winged into the dark

And your past experiences have left a mark

But know, it is in Me that you can confide

Just trust Me, I will calm the storm inside

You’ve learned not to dream of better days

And closed off your heart in so many ways

But all the pieces have been there forever

Just trust Me, I will put them back together

I could see the philosophy as it did begin

Stand strong against all who try to come in

I’m saying it’s okay to bring down the wall

Just trust Me, I’ll catch you when you fall

Gather your burdens, put them in My hand

And I promise, I will help you to understand

I tell you this, I feel that you need to know

Just trust Me, because I’ll never let you go

I know you’re questioning all that’s been

And not understanding all that you’ve seen

I promise someday I will explain it all to you

Just trust Me, I can see that you want to

So please just let me take away your fears

And please allow me to wipe away your tears

Open your heart and I’ll show you the way

Just trust Me, I am here with you everyday

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Have Faith in Me

Rae — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 12:11:33 +0000

This healing journey has begun

As you learn we will cry as one

The burdens you carry give to me

My desire is for you to be free

I will restore your broken soul

So once again you can be whole

Allow me in so you can be healed

If you let me I will be your shield

No matter what I will never leave

And side by side we shall grieve

I wish for you to be able to know

That there is nothing you do owe

Know what I’m able to see in you

Know I’ll be there in all that you do

Leave the places that you’ve been

You have a new journey to begin

Have faith in me as we unfold

A bright new life to behold

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Not Wanting Anyone to Want Me

Rae — Fri, 16 Apr 2010 01:35:28 +0000

I’ve tried to make known what my scars have to say

As they have become harder and harder to hide

But things get much more difficult to convey

And then there are details I just can’t provide

I’ve been struggling to pick up pieces of my mind

And have been scrambling from who I used to be

Trying to figure out what it is that I need to find

Because I am desperate to realize my true identity

My way I was taught would never come about

So I tried to offer what I believed to be wanted

But no matter what I did I still went without

Leaving a soul that is now distant and haunted

So then one day I made myself this guarantee

Building of barriers around my heart did begin

I’ll never give anyone the best of what’s in me

And I won’t let anyone peel away all of my skin

Take cues from the pain is what I’ve learned

And you can never hide your heart deep enough

You don’t have to play with fire to get burned

And sooner or later everyone will play rough

Now I can’t make my mind picture what could be

Lately all it seems to be able to do is reminisce

And now I’m stuck not wanting anyone to want me

Because I expect heartache even before the first kiss

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Open Book

Rae — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:55:02 +0000

Open Book

What does it really mean

To become an open book

To put everything out there

So anyone can take a look

It is hard for me to ideate

Or then even try to relate

When I have no intention

Of making a declaration

I don’t feel like I’ll be free

For there is no guarantee

That life will not fall apart

If I was to reveal my heart

It seems reckless to assume

That judgment will not loom

And I will feel more alone

Then before I’d made known

Nothing will be the same

All things covered in shame

I think it’s better left unsaid

And leave this book unread

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

All That Is Seen

Rae — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 03:53:08 +0000

Memories too stubborn to leave or last

Memories too stubborn to leave or last

And days that were kind enough to pass

Now our looking glass is stained and broken

And so many lies are still being spoken

By the untrusting ghosts of our past

All while lacking the comprehension

Failures seemed to get all the attention

Self-worth deteriorates and is almost gone

Due to false conclusions being drawn

And our strong powers of retention

We try to learn where the line does lie

It’s hard to find but we continue to try

When it’s found it’s sometimes too late

Then we’re supposed to accept our fate

Instead we attempt to turn a blind eye

Energy is wasted wanting to settle scores

And all that remains are scarred doors

Battles are fought with shame-based rage

But from these fights that we do wage

More spoils remain from internal wars

We learn contempt increases vulnerability

And that emotion obscures our visibility

We want to put off the future for a day

And we’re wishing the past would not stay

But have learned that it’s an impossibility

All that is seen is seen upside down

Burden’s carried drag to the ground

Tears fall in ashes of chances burned

The day ends dismissing what’s learned

While losing sight of the thorny crown

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

I Sometimes Wish

Rae — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:07:47 +0000

I sometimes wish I could see the truth

And know more details of my youth

But most times I am much too afraid

Of the prices that I think might be paid

I sometimes wish for a glance ahead

So I’d know what is better left unsaid

There’s things I’d like to be unspoken

Even if it leaves me still feeling broken

I sometimes wish that I could be brave

All these barriers I could then waive

And show the things I have concealed

So that the real me would be revealed

I sometimes wish that I had less fear

And all the parts of me could cohere

Then one could not rule over the rest

I’m just so tired of this absurd contest

I sometimes wish that all my desires

And all the things my heart requires

Would just stop nipping at my heels

But they don’t despite all my apeals

I sometimes wish that I could undo

Many things that I have been through

Even when I know they’ve shaped me

Right now it’s the pain I can only see

I sometimes wish that I could recall

I’d know who to blame once and for all

For all of this hurt that does still exist

And the heartache that does still persist

I sometimes wish that I could reveal

Everything that my heart does feel

But to think of what the cost could be

It doesn’t feel like I would be set free

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Did I Choose Wrong

Rae — Thu, 03 Sep 2009 03:05:56 +0000

I’ve spent so much time being hurt

An abundance of energy I did exert

To keep my heart carefully protected

Just trying to do what was expected

The ones from where pain has come

And where the blame does flow from

I’ve let them decide how I am defined

Just how is that I have been so blind

The pain would come with such force

The bitterness depended on the source

Then I decided it would hurt no more

I slowly learned how to close the door

I kept the walls from tumbling down

Managing pieces that fell to the ground

And all those barriers that I did make

I felt kept me safe but were a mistake

While all the mysteries are explored

With many memories that are abhorred

I try to see things from a new angle

There’s many things I cannot untangle

I can feel a coldness taking over me

Even though I am still fighting to see

Just what it is that my heart requires

Instead of just deadening my desires

It is my heart that refuses to commit

My mind keeps telling me not to acquit

Unanswered questions linger long

I continue to ask “did I choose wrong”

Feelings of Discontentment

Rae — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 09:21:24 +0000

I’ve been asked to sort through my losses

And then to accept that some will stay gone

But the taste of bitterness is still lingering

It guides and prevents me from moving on

I’m stuck thinking I can keep my heart safe

I can’t seem to take the well meant advice

It feels so right to don this cloak of denial

Not acknowledging that I am paying a price

This battle in my soul keeps refusing to stop

And my heart is filled with rage and despair

The pain is hidden by a propensity to pretend

The doubts and fears still continue to impair

The confusion and frustration are persistent

Fear of condemnation makes the air go stale

This existence that is masquerading as life

Has bonds on my soul that I fear will not fail

My resistance is so strong that it is painful

But I understand what is holding me back

It is the fear that I will still feel the rejection

I have learned it is faith and trust that I lack

My confidence in love has been disturbed

And I am desperate to find and explanation

Many angry questions have been provoked

Is love authentic or is it out of an obligation

I resent the legitimate longings of my heart

My anger is directed at where they flow from

Because it is much easier to hate the hunger

Than it is to wait for the satisfaction to come

The determination to survive independently

Has been reigning in my world for so long

And the struggle to remove it from its throne

Is so arduous and it continues to hold strong

I’m getting tired of grief’s infinite patience

And the way it just sits and waits for me

I keep wanting to avoid parts of the process

And push back against what is trying to be

But these constant feelings of discontentment

Are telling me my heart needs to be realigned

And that I need to gain some new perspective

So I stop feeling like I’ll always be left behind

Secrets

Rae — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:26:08 +0000

I am stuck in wanting to lay some blame

And wishing some experiences were gone

I can’t seem to escape feeling the shame

And now it’s keeping me from moving on

I’ve been surrounded by a lack of propriety

And in many ways I have been offended

Now I’m desperate to avoid the notoriety

For something I wish I could have ended

I did not wish to be taken to that place

And have been told that I am not at fault

But I’m filled with the feelings of disgrace

That always comes along with an assault

I retain the fear and don’t want to reveal

I chase away the advice that is bestowed

I diligently defend my rights to conceal

I know I choose to carry this heavy load

I seem unable to gain the understanding

Of what it will mean to no longer hide

But how long can I keep withstanding

By continuing to keep everything inside

I try and imagine what could be attained

If I could become brave enough to impart

And what it would be like to be unstained

Or to be able to change my cynical heart

Where have all these secrets gotten me

And where will my heart keep being led

By choosing to continue not to discuss

And concealing everything inside instead

Starting To Fray

Rae — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:31:41 +0000

All this frustration that is starting to reign

Comes from things I’ve begun to ascertain

And then from the build up of all this pain

Now I seem to be blind to what I may attain

This ambivalence that I feel is just so strong

I feel that I had choices and I chose wrong

Should I have carried this blame for so long

For these things that I’ve believed all along

I know why the real me has been mislaid

And growth in my heart has been delayed

There are too many prices that I have paid

For all those choices that I thought I made

There are many memories I don’t hold dear

It is into the past I no longer want to peer

I can’t seem to escape these cycles of fear

Or all of the moments I want to disappear

I have had so many days when I have wept

And countless nights that I have not slept

Because of the things I must learn to accept

And so many of the secrets that I have kept

I’ve been trying to avoid all of the disgrace

By not answering many questions that I face

I still resent the things that have taken place

And this new advice I can’t seem to embrace

I think that my emotions are leading me astray

I don’t know how to make this hurt go away

And even though I manage to hold on everyday

It feels like my fabric is starting to fray

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Introspection

Rae — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:33:16 +0000

Introspection continues to bring more pain

It keeps pushing us to an unsatisfied place

Where others who’ve also been dishonored

Have the same lingering fear of disgrace

There are many who have felt this shame

And it should not have been ours to feel

So much has been taken from our hearts

Things that no one had any right to steal

Our hearts have become difficult to reach

And now they are always kept on guard

Trying to push back the pain remembered

Makes learning how to trust again so hard

Choices made in response are confronted

As well as strategies we’ve devised to deal

Yet the barriers that we’ve carefully created

Refuse to come down and allow us to heal

What’s left in this supposedly secure world

Are hearts that are broken and overthrown

Desperate to find a way to shut it all out

Firmly believing that we can hold our own

We are filled with rebellious independence

We’ve been committed to self protection

Thinking we are keeping our hearts safe

We keep resisting any type of a connection

It violates all of our natural understanding

This act of giving up life in order to find it

But we must learn how to be alive again

Even when our hearts try to get us to quit

Desire to Remit

Rae — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:31:38 +0000

The questions just keep right on coming

But the answers never seem to bring a cure

Sometimes I think that I should stop asking

I am not sure how much more I can endure

The resentfulness still hangs on so heavily

Its grip sometimes brings me to my knees

My fighting seems useless against its hold

And it continues to make it hard to breathe

Going back has created so much confusion

And I get caught up in my cynical despair

I’m lost in acknowledging all my failures

It is all more than any part of me can bear

It feels like I’m the only one saying sorry

For something that I wasn’t responsible for

And I’m getting tired of picking myself up

Too many tears have been cried on this floor

However it is much easier said than done

To let go of all the fears embedded so deep

Or to change all of the ways I’ve created

To keep my dreams and desires fast asleep

I watch the illusions as they start to die

It’s uncomfortable and I’m feeling unnerved

But I see as things start to become clearer

What I’ve missed and what I’ve deserved

I must re-teach my heart how to let go

I know that its walls will be hard to split

But I’m sure I can persuade it to come out

And then bring back its desire to remit

All I Have Missed

Rae — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:04:26 +0000

My soul has been battered and scarred

And my heart I am desperate to protect

I feel that I can’t take any more chances

Because I just don’t know what to expect

I have learned from my past experiences

That judgment almost always does come

And I never know what shape it might take

It could be a word or a look from some

It doesn’t matter how it gets delivered

Because the pain felt is always the same

The fear continues to get bigger inside

With deeper feelings of doubt and shame

And then when it is all over and done

I am standing alone mindless and abused

I have no ability to pick up all the pieces

I feel like everything has been misused

I just can’t seem to find the courage

To let my heart become known again

Or trust that it will not be struck down

And then left to feel the familiar pain

But I have been betrayed by desire

It has been pushing me not to forget

It keeps sending me many reminders

Not to make choices that I will regret

It has taken time to find ones to ask

And determine if I should then confide

I do hope that they will not turn away

Then leave me standing alone outside

Through my searching I have learned

That these hearts I thought didn’t exist

Have been waiting for me all along

And are showing me all I have missed

Lost And Found

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:03:49 +0000

Deep within there is a darkness

Where long ago I did decide

I do not want a light to shine

And reveal what it does hide

I feel as though I’m stuck in there

Stranded though I wish to leave

Not wanting to chance the road

In which I’m expected to believe

To share what has been buried

And left unearthed for so long

Will lead me to a different place

Where I fear I will not belong

Will my heart be accepted then

After all it does have to show

Or will it again be tossed aside

Despite what it could bestow

I can’t seem to take the chance

To see where things will land

Every part of me says don’t go

My mind and body take a stand

My heart is still beating inside

But I feel my soul has drowned

And somewhere it has gotten lost

But I do hope it can be found

Easy Conversion

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:46:12 +0000

Upon review of the days now gone

What images will we be revealed

Do we make the choice to face it

Or do we just keep it all concealed

Somewhere deep inside ourselves

In the places we like to look last

We see what change might bring

And it is not a welcome forecast

Premonitions are filled with dread

When the mind displays an outcome

The consequences seem too heavy

There is a greater price for some

The choices become more difficult

When we only seem to see the cost

It seems the gains are outweighed

We think we know what will be lost

We try to look up and to ascertain

What it is our futures will bestow

And ask that some good stands out

So we will be less afraid to go

The call for things to be different

Is something we need to acquire

To be able to picture the benefits

And not fear what will transpire

We hope for an easy conversion

And transition that does not cease

We ask that our heart will not defy

So we can see it filled with peace

False Assumptions

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:35:19 +0000

True feelings remain all hidden

Glossed over or unexposed

To drop it all and walk away

My heart seems unopposed

In all of your violations

Your demeanor I do not judge

I see all that it has to cover

And I must not hold a grudge

I just can’t seem to show you

The burdens that you create

Lost to any acknowledgement

You seem to bear no weight

Actions laced with pretense

You have stolen my desire

I give in to all the confusion

And dismiss what I require

Are reasons right to confront

And self-importance left behind

I do not know where to begin

To induce a change of mind

My mind thinks of separation

My heart wants something more

The yearnings of engagement

It seems I am unable to ignore

A required call for forgiveness

That has come to be revealed

A tugging deep within my heart

That refuses to remain concealed

To leave behind all my yearnings

And let my desires become deceased

Is filled with false assumptions

That my struggles would be released

Increasing Love

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:13:28 +0000

It is in despair that we have woken

With shattered bits that are a token

Small reminders that we are broken

Mend our heart is what we’ve spoken

Lessons learned have made us wary

So that our dreams appear to be airy

Many memories we still try to bury

But a desire to forgive we do carry

We hang on to many an ancient feud

One of the faults that we have accrued

And other sins that we should include

Despite them all, can we be renewed

Have we come to a point of no return

From moving in life without concern

From all our choices what did we earn

To be pardoned is what we do yearn

Throughout our lives we did portray

And now on bended knees we pray

That God will help us find our way

Our doubt and fear slowly fade away

The anger, guilt, and shame decreases

We will leave them all in little pieces

Our time comes and the pain releases

Deep in our heart the love increases

Darkness Stays

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:08:08 +0000

What is my fate

I try to wait

But sit and hate

This heavy weight

Getting irate

Cannot relate

Long for great

Much too late

Seem to require

To wear the attire

I sit and admire

Those that inspire

Out of this fire

Is what I aspire

Comes the dire

I begin to tire

Very contrite

Full of spite

Want to fight

Losing sight

Full of fright

Afraid of night

Look for light

Not in sight

Heart is numb

To escape from

And has succumb

Then shrank from

Abandoned scum

To shy away from

And then become

A small crumb

My mind a maze

On me it plays

Tricks in ways

It fills with haze

My heart ablaze

Away this phase

Time for praise

But darkness stays