Poemae Qui Aperio » Fear

Open Book

Rae — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:55:02 +0000

Open Book

What does it really mean

To become an open book

To put everything out there

So anyone can take a look

It is hard for me to ideate

Or then even try to relate

When I have no intention

Of making a declaration

I don’t feel like I’ll be free

For there is no guarantee

That life will not fall apart

If I was to reveal my heart

It seems reckless to assume

That judgment will not loom

And I will feel more alone

Then before I’d made known

Nothing will be the same

All things covered in shame

I think it’s better left unsaid

And leave this book unread

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

I Sometimes Wish

Rae — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:07:47 +0000

I sometimes wish I could see the truth

And know more details of my youth

But most times I am much too afraid

Of the prices that I think might be paid

I sometimes wish for a glance ahead

So I’d know what is better left unsaid

There’s things I’d like to be unspoken

Even if it leaves me still feeling broken

I sometimes wish that I could be brave

All these barriers I could then waive

And show the things I have concealed

So that the real me would be revealed

I sometimes wish that I had less fear

And all the parts of me could cohere

Then one could not rule over the rest

I’m just so tired of this absurd contest

I sometimes wish that all my desires

And all the things my heart requires

Would just stop nipping at my heels

But they don’t despite all my apeals

I sometimes wish that I could undo

Many things that I have been through

Even when I know they’ve shaped me

Right now it’s the pain I can only see

I sometimes wish that I could recall

I’d know who to blame once and for all

For all of this hurt that does still exist

And the heartache that does still persist

I sometimes wish that I could reveal

Everything that my heart does feel

But to think of what the cost could be

It doesn’t feel like I would be set free

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Feelings of Discontentment

Rae — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 09:21:24 +0000

I’ve been asked to sort through my losses

And then to accept that some will stay gone

But the taste of bitterness is still lingering

It guides and prevents me from moving on

I’m stuck thinking I can keep my heart safe

I can’t seem to take the well meant advice

It feels so right to don this cloak of denial

Not acknowledging that I am paying a price

This battle in my soul keeps refusing to stop

And my heart is filled with rage and despair

The pain is hidden by a propensity to pretend

The doubts and fears still continue to impair

The confusion and frustration are persistent

Fear of condemnation makes the air go stale

This existence that is masquerading as life

Has bonds on my soul that I fear will not fail

My resistance is so strong that it is painful

But I understand what is holding me back

It is the fear that I will still feel the rejection

I have learned it is faith and trust that I lack

My confidence in love has been disturbed

And I am desperate to find and explanation

Many angry questions have been provoked

Is love authentic or is it out of an obligation

I resent the legitimate longings of my heart

My anger is directed at where they flow from

Because it is much easier to hate the hunger

Than it is to wait for the satisfaction to come

The determination to survive independently

Has been reigning in my world for so long

And the struggle to remove it from its throne

Is so arduous and it continues to hold strong

I’m getting tired of grief’s infinite patience

And the way it just sits and waits for me

I keep wanting to avoid parts of the process

And push back against what is trying to be

But these constant feelings of discontentment

Are telling me my heart needs to be realigned

And that I need to gain some new perspective

So I stop feeling like I’ll always be left behind

Secrets

Rae — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:26:08 +0000

I am stuck in wanting to lay some blame

And wishing some experiences were gone

I can’t seem to escape feeling the shame

And now it’s keeping me from moving on

I’ve been surrounded by a lack of propriety

And in many ways I have been offended

Now I’m desperate to avoid the notoriety

For something I wish I could have ended

I did not wish to be taken to that place

And have been told that I am not at fault

But I’m filled with the feelings of disgrace

That always comes along with an assault

I retain the fear and don’t want to reveal

I chase away the advice that is bestowed

I diligently defend my rights to conceal

I know I choose to carry this heavy load

I seem unable to gain the understanding

Of what it will mean to no longer hide

But how long can I keep withstanding

By continuing to keep everything inside

I try and imagine what could be attained

If I could become brave enough to impart

And what it would be like to be unstained

Or to be able to change my cynical heart

Where have all these secrets gotten me

And where will my heart keep being led

By choosing to continue not to discuss

And concealing everything inside instead

Starting To Fray

Rae — Fri, 03 Jul 2009 03:31:41 +0000

All this frustration that is starting to reign

Comes from things I’ve begun to ascertain

And then from the build up of all this pain

Now I seem to be blind to what I may attain

This ambivalence that I feel is just so strong

I feel that I had choices and I chose wrong

Should I have carried this blame for so long

For these things that I’ve believed all along

I know why the real me has been mislaid

And growth in my heart has been delayed

There are too many prices that I have paid

For all those choices that I thought I made

There are many memories I don’t hold dear

It is into the past I no longer want to peer

I can’t seem to escape these cycles of fear

Or all of the moments I want to disappear

I have had so many days when I have wept

And countless nights that I have not slept

Because of the things I must learn to accept

And so many of the secrets that I have kept

I’ve been trying to avoid all of the disgrace

By not answering many questions that I face

I still resent the things that have taken place

And this new advice I can’t seem to embrace

I think that my emotions are leading me astray

I don’t know how to make this hurt go away

And even though I manage to hold on everyday

It feels like my fabric is starting to fray

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Introspection

Rae — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 22:33:16 +0000

Introspection continues to bring more pain

It keeps pushing us to an unsatisfied place

Where others who’ve also been dishonored

Have the same lingering fear of disgrace

There are many who have felt this shame

And it should not have been ours to feel

So much has been taken from our hearts

Things that no one had any right to steal

Our hearts have become difficult to reach

And now they are always kept on guard

Trying to push back the pain remembered

Makes learning how to trust again so hard

Choices made in response are confronted

As well as strategies we’ve devised to deal

Yet the barriers that we’ve carefully created

Refuse to come down and allow us to heal

What’s left in this supposedly secure world

Are hearts that are broken and overthrown

Desperate to find a way to shut it all out

Firmly believing that we can hold our own

We are filled with rebellious independence

We’ve been committed to self protection

Thinking we are keeping our hearts safe

We keep resisting any type of a connection

It violates all of our natural understanding

This act of giving up life in order to find it

But we must learn how to be alive again

Even when our hearts try to get us to quit

I’ve Learned

Rae — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:55:50 +0000

I’ve learned that returning to those places

Has made me relive every nightmare

And I’m asking if Hell is still below me

Or wondering if maybe I’m already there

I’ve learned when things don’t kill you

A lasting scar is what they leave behind

There are ones that are clearly visible

And there are ones that secretly remind

I’ve learned from wounds I’ve accrued

That the invisible ones are far more trying

And it also seems that they are the ones

That I spend most of my time denying

I’ve learned that being strong isn’t easy

I’m not sure I am able to do what it takes

I’m desperate to avoid repeating the story

I don’t want to fall for the same mistakes

I’ve learned how to give up all my rights

And was expected to do what I was told

I was threatened and told not to divulge

And since, by fear I have been controlled

I’ve learned going back makes it more real

And I am so afraid of the fear and shame

They say going back will help me to heal

But part of me thinks I am still to blame

I’ve learned that it is all of these beliefs

That they are making a prisoner out of me

I am the one who has created these walls

Now I am feeling like I want to break free

I’ve learned that even though I was living

I know that I’ve been dying to feel alive

I can say that I want more this time around

I’m starting to feel like I want to survive

I’ve learned that there is so much more

And this part of me that I thought had died

Now wants to come out and experience life

And convince me that I don’t need to hide

I’ve learned that things are not as they seem

And the lies that I was taught are not true

I am not the bad person that I thought I was

I’m a good person that bad things happened to

All I Have Missed

Rae — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:04:26 +0000

My soul has been battered and scarred

And my heart I am desperate to protect

I feel that I can’t take any more chances

Because I just don’t know what to expect

I have learned from my past experiences

That judgment almost always does come

And I never know what shape it might take

It could be a word or a look from some

It doesn’t matter how it gets delivered

Because the pain felt is always the same

The fear continues to get bigger inside

With deeper feelings of doubt and shame

And then when it is all over and done

I am standing alone mindless and abused

I have no ability to pick up all the pieces

I feel like everything has been misused

I just can’t seem to find the courage

To let my heart become known again

Or trust that it will not be struck down

And then left to feel the familiar pain

But I have been betrayed by desire

It has been pushing me not to forget

It keeps sending me many reminders

Not to make choices that I will regret

It has taken time to find ones to ask

And determine if I should then confide

I do hope that they will not turn away

Then leave me standing alone outside

Through my searching I have learned

That these hearts I thought didn’t exist

Have been waiting for me all along

And are showing me all I have missed

We Do Proclaim

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:47:46 +0000

To the body and soul there has been a violation

An outrage was committed without consideration

Thoroughly affected from the deep penetration

It is at ourselves that we do vent our frustration

Into life we thought we were given an invitation

But were actually handed a lasting complication

We were made to feel that we were the causation

And our heart became numb from the realization

Now we stand alone without any explanation

And forever we will search for some salvation

We have succumbed and deadened our desire

Completely dismissing everything that we require

And are much too afraid to question or enquire

We believe we have earned what we did acquire

Now it is all of our yearnings we wish to retire

Wanting to keep our hearts from being under fire

Never wanting to remember what did transpire

The necessity to hide continues to get higher

And all we hope for is to slide under the wire

So we put on our masks and we wear the attire

With a heart that is filled with too much hate

We put up walls so we can be safe in our wait

And hope that our desires will start to abate

Dignity marred is what we don’t want to create

We wish we could erase everything on this slate

And stop the erosion of our fragile mental state

So it’s with strong conviction that we do dictate

That our lives do not become a public debate

The efforts to protect are a very heavy weight

And personal death moves at a very slow rate

None of the responsibility did they claim

So then we believed that we were to blame

We just moved through life without any aim

With fear inside that makes it hard to exclaim

For if we do then nothing will be the same

But now we start to feel like we want to reclaim

And find more definitions and then to rename

It is from our hearts that we do now proclaim

As we learn to acknowledge what we became

That it is not us that should feel the shame

Where To Start

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:39:36 +0000

Where is it that we are to start

When we know we can’t stay here

An unsought journey back in time

Where we usually try not to steer

Do we fear what we will unearth

As we dig through what’s been done

What can we learn from our mistakes

As we sort through them one by one

We tell lies with the intent to hide

Resolute to keep it all concealed

We try to evade the inquisitive ones

And keep our secrets unrevealed

We commence with apprehension

But recognize that new is needed

That some matters ought to diverge

And new advice should be heeded

When truth comes to show its face

In which position will we remain

Will we embrace what we now know

Or will we resist what we ascertain

We stumble with much reluctance

Quite frequently we seem to falter

But our resistance begins to dissolve

And we see what we need to alter

When we accept it’s time to change

And wish to find what we need to see

Will we ask Jesus to be our guide

And lead our heart where it needs to be

There Must Be A Time

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:24:27 +0000

There must be a time

I should take the time

Is this to be my time

Or do I watch it go by

Is this when I see

What I ought to see

Do I even want to see

Or just close my eye

To think then to feel

Do I trust what I feel

And do I need to feel

Or can I just deny

Acknowledge the fear

And then face the fear

What is it that I fear

And choose to live by

Can I show my face

Will you see my face

Should I hide my face

So you can’t see me cry

Can I find what to say

And to whom do I say

Do I really need to say

Or just say good-bye

Increasing Love

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:13:28 +0000

It is in despair that we have woken

With shattered bits that are a token

Small reminders that we are broken

Mend our heart is what we’ve spoken

Lessons learned have made us wary

So that our dreams appear to be airy

Many memories we still try to bury

But a desire to forgive we do carry

We hang on to many an ancient feud

One of the faults that we have accrued

And other sins that we should include

Despite them all, can we be renewed

Have we come to a point of no return

From moving in life without concern

From all our choices what did we earn

To be pardoned is what we do yearn

Throughout our lives we did portray

And now on bended knees we pray

That God will help us find our way

Our doubt and fear slowly fade away

The anger, guilt, and shame decreases

We will leave them all in little pieces

Our time comes and the pain releases

Deep in our heart the love increases

Darkness Stays

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:08:08 +0000

What is my fate

I try to wait

But sit and hate

This heavy weight

Getting irate

Cannot relate

Long for great

Much too late

Seem to require

To wear the attire

I sit and admire

Those that inspire

Out of this fire

Is what I aspire

Comes the dire

I begin to tire

Very contrite

Full of spite

Want to fight

Losing sight

Full of fright

Afraid of night

Look for light

Not in sight

Heart is numb

To escape from

And has succumb

Then shrank from

Abandoned scum

To shy away from

And then become

A small crumb

My mind a maze

On me it plays

Tricks in ways

It fills with haze

My heart ablaze

Away this phase

Time for praise

But darkness stays