Poemae Qui Aperio » Desire

Shadows of Your Offenses

Rae — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:17:44 +0000

I’ve learned that the dice were loaded for me

It seems to have made the road more tough

And I continue to be blinded by all that I see

The explanations it seems are never enough

I still can’t make out what this picture will be

Even though I’ve connected many of the dots

I’ve searched for so long to try and find a key

And I’ve been unraveling so many of the knots

There’s a difference in the way you needed me

And the way that I needed you way back then

It’s the way that you needed that has made me

Not want to remember and feel that way again

I’ve spent my life with an abscense of dignity

Thinking I’ll crash and burn if I follow my heart

Believing everything in life to be untrustworthy

And that there was no way that I could impart

In these shackles I’ve worn there’s a familiarity

But from inside this castle that’s made of glass

What I consider to be normal might be insanity

And longings and memories continue to harass

It’s not lies, it’s myths that are truth’s enemy

They’ve kept me from standing up to my fears

Now this obsessive avoidance does control me

But I’m tired of the flow of these anxious tears

Now my head and heart are beginning to agree

That from this contempt there is nothing to gain

Yet I refuse to let go and hold on to it faithfully

It is my attack on the perceived cause of pain

But now I’ve met my overdeveloped deniability

I’m tired of life in the shadows of your offenses

Now I want to figure out how to fight to be free

I want to learn how to bring down these fences

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I Sometimes Wish

Rae — Sun, 20 Sep 2009 20:07:47 +0000

I sometimes wish I could see the truth

And know more details of my youth

But most times I am much too afraid

Of the prices that I think might be paid

I sometimes wish for a glance ahead

So I’d know what is better left unsaid

There’s things I’d like to be unspoken

Even if it leaves me still feeling broken

I sometimes wish that I could be brave

All these barriers I could then waive

And show the things I have concealed

So that the real me would be revealed

I sometimes wish that I had less fear

And all the parts of me could cohere

Then one could not rule over the rest

I’m just so tired of this absurd contest

I sometimes wish that all my desires

And all the things my heart requires

Would just stop nipping at my heels

But they don’t despite all my apeals

I sometimes wish that I could undo

Many things that I have been through

Even when I know they’ve shaped me

Right now it’s the pain I can only see

I sometimes wish that I could recall

I’d know who to blame once and for all

For all of this hurt that does still exist

And the heartache that does still persist

I sometimes wish that I could reveal

Everything that my heart does feel

But to think of what the cost could be

It doesn’t feel like I would be set free

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Changes

Rae — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:14:12 +0000

I can see my irrational abject attitude

I feel unable to make any changes to

After all of the things that have ensued

And knowing changes are long overdue

I see the change right there before me

But it feels as if it is beyond my ability

Sometimes I think that I’m not worthy

Yet I am told it’s where I deserve to be

I’ve deemed no one to be that convincing

With all the new advice I keep on rejecting

It’s by these old rules I insist on abiding

With reasons I keep diligently defending

My cage rattles from the latest revisions

I feel the weight of all these new decisions

And a new heaviness from my admissions

They are the results of all my tribulations

It is still so cautiously that I wish to tread

As I learn to see where my choices have led

And understand habits that should be shed

So I can obtain the things I wish for instead

So now I’ve come to where I must decide

Knowing all of the things that I have denied

Do I make these changes that I have defied

And then bring an end to this slow suicide

Feelings of Discontentment

Rae — Sun, 16 Aug 2009 09:21:24 +0000

I’ve been asked to sort through my losses

And then to accept that some will stay gone

But the taste of bitterness is still lingering

It guides and prevents me from moving on

I’m stuck thinking I can keep my heart safe

I can’t seem to take the well meant advice

It feels so right to don this cloak of denial

Not acknowledging that I am paying a price

This battle in my soul keeps refusing to stop

And my heart is filled with rage and despair

The pain is hidden by a propensity to pretend

The doubts and fears still continue to impair

The confusion and frustration are persistent

Fear of condemnation makes the air go stale

This existence that is masquerading as life

Has bonds on my soul that I fear will not fail

My resistance is so strong that it is painful

But I understand what is holding me back

It is the fear that I will still feel the rejection

I have learned it is faith and trust that I lack

My confidence in love has been disturbed

And I am desperate to find and explanation

Many angry questions have been provoked

Is love authentic or is it out of an obligation

I resent the legitimate longings of my heart

My anger is directed at where they flow from

Because it is much easier to hate the hunger

Than it is to wait for the satisfaction to come

The determination to survive independently

Has been reigning in my world for so long

And the struggle to remove it from its throne

Is so arduous and it continues to hold strong

I’m getting tired of grief’s infinite patience

And the way it just sits and waits for me

I keep wanting to avoid parts of the process

And push back against what is trying to be

But these constant feelings of discontentment

Are telling me my heart needs to be realigned

And that I need to gain some new perspective

So I stop feeling like I’ll always be left behind

Second Chances

Rae — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:58:13 +0000

I’ve been asked to think about my future

And just where I would like my life to go

To imagine what I want and who I want

But I have yet to realize the desire to know

What questions should I be asking myself

And then how much detail am I to reveal

About what I am supposed to think about

And do I include things that I wish to feel

I could think about all the people I have met

And then about the ones I have yet to meet

Or should I look at all the mistakes I’ve made

To decide which ones I don’t want to repeat

Should I be turning all my thoughts towards

Ways I’d like to be loved and how I’d love

And other things that come in a relationship

Things that have so far been undreamed of

Or maybe I could start with familiar things

The things I’ve done that I can do with ease

There are the things I think I’d be good at

Or ones that I know have brought me peace

Should I think about my lack of knowledge

And the things that I’d still like to ascertain

There are the places in the world I want to see

Or maybe the things that I’d like to do again

Perhaps it would make the task a bit easier

If I started with the things that I don’t want

Or maybe the things that aren’t working now

Either way this task just continues to taunt

I am not sure what to choose this time around

Or even how to make much needed advances

I am wondering what opportunities still exist

Or if I’ve already wasted all my second chances

Desire to Remit

Rae — Tue, 16 Jun 2009 21:31:38 +0000

The questions just keep right on coming

But the answers never seem to bring a cure

Sometimes I think that I should stop asking

I am not sure how much more I can endure

The resentfulness still hangs on so heavily

Its grip sometimes brings me to my knees

My fighting seems useless against its hold

And it continues to make it hard to breathe

Going back has created so much confusion

And I get caught up in my cynical despair

I’m lost in acknowledging all my failures

It is all more than any part of me can bear

It feels like I’m the only one saying sorry

For something that I wasn’t responsible for

And I’m getting tired of picking myself up

Too many tears have been cried on this floor

However it is much easier said than done

To let go of all the fears embedded so deep

Or to change all of the ways I’ve created

To keep my dreams and desires fast asleep

I watch the illusions as they start to die

It’s uncomfortable and I’m feeling unnerved

But I see as things start to become clearer

What I’ve missed and what I’ve deserved

I must re-teach my heart how to let go

I know that its walls will be hard to split

But I’m sure I can persuade it to come out

And then bring back its desire to remit

All I Have Missed

Rae — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:04:26 +0000

My soul has been battered and scarred

And my heart I am desperate to protect

I feel that I can’t take any more chances

Because I just don’t know what to expect

I have learned from my past experiences

That judgment almost always does come

And I never know what shape it might take

It could be a word or a look from some

It doesn’t matter how it gets delivered

Because the pain felt is always the same

The fear continues to get bigger inside

With deeper feelings of doubt and shame

And then when it is all over and done

I am standing alone mindless and abused

I have no ability to pick up all the pieces

I feel like everything has been misused

I just can’t seem to find the courage

To let my heart become known again

Or trust that it will not be struck down

And then left to feel the familiar pain

But I have been betrayed by desire

It has been pushing me not to forget

It keeps sending me many reminders

Not to make choices that I will regret

It has taken time to find ones to ask

And determine if I should then confide

I do hope that they will not turn away

Then leave me standing alone outside

Through my searching I have learned

That these hearts I thought didn’t exist

Have been waiting for me all along

And are showing me all I have missed

We Do Proclaim

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:47:46 +0000

To the body and soul there has been a violation

An outrage was committed without consideration

Thoroughly affected from the deep penetration

It is at ourselves that we do vent our frustration

Into life we thought we were given an invitation

But were actually handed a lasting complication

We were made to feel that we were the causation

And our heart became numb from the realization

Now we stand alone without any explanation

And forever we will search for some salvation

We have succumbed and deadened our desire

Completely dismissing everything that we require

And are much too afraid to question or enquire

We believe we have earned what we did acquire

Now it is all of our yearnings we wish to retire

Wanting to keep our hearts from being under fire

Never wanting to remember what did transpire

The necessity to hide continues to get higher

And all we hope for is to slide under the wire

So we put on our masks and we wear the attire

With a heart that is filled with too much hate

We put up walls so we can be safe in our wait

And hope that our desires will start to abate

Dignity marred is what we don’t want to create

We wish we could erase everything on this slate

And stop the erosion of our fragile mental state

So it’s with strong conviction that we do dictate

That our lives do not become a public debate

The efforts to protect are a very heavy weight

And personal death moves at a very slow rate

None of the responsibility did they claim

So then we believed that we were to blame

We just moved through life without any aim

With fear inside that makes it hard to exclaim

For if we do then nothing will be the same

But now we start to feel like we want to reclaim

And find more definitions and then to rename

It is from our hearts that we do now proclaim

As we learn to acknowledge what we became

That it is not us that should feel the shame

False Assumptions

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:35:19 +0000

True feelings remain all hidden

Glossed over or unexposed

To drop it all and walk away

My heart seems unopposed

In all of your violations

Your demeanor I do not judge

I see all that it has to cover

And I must not hold a grudge

I just can’t seem to show you

The burdens that you create

Lost to any acknowledgement

You seem to bear no weight

Actions laced with pretense

You have stolen my desire

I give in to all the confusion

And dismiss what I require

Are reasons right to confront

And self-importance left behind

I do not know where to begin

To induce a change of mind

My mind thinks of separation

My heart wants something more

The yearnings of engagement

It seems I am unable to ignore

A required call for forgiveness

That has come to be revealed

A tugging deep within my heart

That refuses to remain concealed

To leave behind all my yearnings

And let my desires become deceased

Is filled with false assumptions

That my struggles would be released