Poemae Qui Aperio » Change & Growth

Shadows of Your Offenses

Rae — Wed, 09 Jun 2010 04:17:44 +0000

I’ve learned that the dice were loaded for me

It seems to have made the road more tough

And I continue to be blinded by all that I see

The explanations it seems are never enough

I still can’t make out what this picture will be

Even though I’ve connected many of the dots

I’ve searched for so long to try and find a key

And I’ve been unraveling so many of the knots

There’s a difference in the way you needed me

And the way that I needed you way back then

It’s the way that you needed that has made me

Not want to remember and feel that way again

I’ve spent my life with an abscense of dignity

Thinking I’ll crash and burn if I follow my heart

Believing everything in life to be untrustworthy

And that there was no way that I could impart

In these shackles I’ve worn there’s a familiarity

But from inside this castle that’s made of glass

What I consider to be normal might be insanity

And longings and memories continue to harass

It’s not lies, it’s myths that are truth’s enemy

They’ve kept me from standing up to my fears

Now this obsessive avoidance does control me

But I’m tired of the flow of these anxious tears

Now my head and heart are beginning to agree

That from this contempt there is nothing to gain

Yet I refuse to let go and hold on to it faithfully

It is my attack on the perceived cause of pain

But now I’ve met my overdeveloped deniability

I’m tired of life in the shadows of your offenses

Now I want to figure out how to fight to be free

I want to learn how to bring down these fences

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Just Trust Me

Rae — Fri, 04 Jun 2010 12:14:07 +0000

Just Trust Me

Over time your soul winged into the dark

And your past experiences have left a mark

But know, it is in Me that you can confide

Just trust Me, I will calm the storm inside

You’ve learned not to dream of better days

And closed off your heart in so many ways

But all the pieces have been there forever

Just trust Me, I will put them back together

I could see the philosophy as it did begin

Stand strong against all who try to come in

I’m saying it’s okay to bring down the wall

Just trust Me, I’ll catch you when you fall

Gather your burdens, put them in My hand

And I promise, I will help you to understand

I tell you this, I feel that you need to know

Just trust Me, because I’ll never let you go

I know you’re questioning all that’s been

And not understanding all that you’ve seen

I promise someday I will explain it all to you

Just trust Me, I can see that you want to

So please just let me take away your fears

And please allow me to wipe away your tears

Open your heart and I’ll show you the way

Just trust Me, I am here with you everyday

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Open Book

Rae — Tue, 13 Apr 2010 12:55:02 +0000

Open Book

What does it really mean

To become an open book

To put everything out there

So anyone can take a look

It is hard for me to ideate

Or then even try to relate

When I have no intention

Of making a declaration

I don’t feel like I’ll be free

For there is no guarantee

That life will not fall apart

If I was to reveal my heart

It seems reckless to assume

That judgment will not loom

And I will feel more alone

Then before I’d made known

Nothing will be the same

All things covered in shame

I think it’s better left unsaid

And leave this book unread

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

This Tiny Little Room

Rae — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 18:48:33 +0000

As my eyes explore this tiny little room

I start to ponder what’s been spoken here

What unimagineable stories it must know

And the secrets that these walls hold dear

All the memories that’ve passed our lips

In this safe place where we can reveal

Many of the stories from our broken pasts

And words about the shame that we feel

It is where countless tears have fallen

And where more truth has been shared

Which has brought about hard lessons

With many regrets also being declared

We talk of the hours that we’ve misspent

With those who’ve brought us much pain

Instead of loving ones we were needed by

And from whom we had much more to gain

We go back and revisit the times now past

A better understanding we wish to achieve

Not knowing how hard our path will be

When it challenges everything we believe

I’m not the only one who’s struggled here

In this place where many of us have come

To uload all the burdens that we’ve carried

And to discover what we can now become

It’s in this place that we now start to grow
Because here most of us have had to learn
We are not at all who we were taught to be
And some bridges are better left to burn

Now what I do see in this tiny little room

Are the ones who’ve earned great respect

Ones who deserve to always be honored

And who God blesses and will always protect

Changes

Rae — Mon, 31 Aug 2009 19:14:12 +0000

I can see my irrational abject attitude

I feel unable to make any changes to

After all of the things that have ensued

And knowing changes are long overdue

I see the change right there before me

But it feels as if it is beyond my ability

Sometimes I think that I’m not worthy

Yet I am told it’s where I deserve to be

I’ve deemed no one to be that convincing

With all the new advice I keep on rejecting

It’s by these old rules I insist on abiding

With reasons I keep diligently defending

My cage rattles from the latest revisions

I feel the weight of all these new decisions

And a new heaviness from my admissions

They are the results of all my tribulations

It is still so cautiously that I wish to tread

As I learn to see where my choices have led

And understand habits that should be shed

So I can obtain the things I wish for instead

So now I’ve come to where I must decide

Knowing all of the things that I have denied

Do I make these changes that I have defied

And then bring an end to this slow suicide

I AM

Rae — Sat, 08 Aug 2009 15:40:48 +0000

** This poem was not written by me, it was written by a friend of mine who could see me struggling. I got permission to post it because it was just too beautiful to not be shared. **

I AM

My yoke is easy and my burden is light,

Come, dear daughter, give up the fight.

Receive my grace, sufficient for you,

In all you say, think, hear and do.

Surrender your struggles and hear what I say,

I have always been with you, every step of the way.

When you feel like you’re lost and like life is all wrong,

Listen, hear how I sing over you with My tender song.

For you are my precious one, unique to my heart,

Still yourself, let go, I will give you a new start.

I will never forsake you, nor leave you my love,

My care for you is tender and gentle as a dove.

Life’s journey is tough and the road may seem long,

The troubles life brings may all seem wrong.

Though struggles are difficult, the road sometimes fearful,

Listen to me, and I will give you an earful.

You are more precious than silver, more beautiful than gold,

Your longings, dreams and desires in My hand I hold,

I long to show you how My ways are sure,

And with my redemption, you are so pure.

Surrender your fears, guilt, shame, and follow Me

Take my Hand, trust Me, there is so much to see.

I will never forsake you, never let you go,

My Spirit will guide you, My promises you know.

So as you continue your journey, will you trust in Me?

Will you rest in My comfort, and let Me set you free?

Will you surrender yourself to accept my healing?

Can you believe that I know exactly how you are feeling?

Will you trust in My presence, know I will never leave you?

Will you rest your turmoil in My arms as they enfold you?

Will you lay down your burdens and follow my lead?

Will you let me be your friend and give me your need?

For I am mighty in strength and I long to uphold you,

My burdens are light and my glory enfolds you,

My promises include a magnificent plan,

For, my love , my name is I AM.

© Copyright www.poemaequiaperio.com

Second Chances

Rae — Sat, 11 Jul 2009 17:58:13 +0000

I’ve been asked to think about my future

And just where I would like my life to go

To imagine what I want and who I want

But I have yet to realize the desire to know

What questions should I be asking myself

And then how much detail am I to reveal

About what I am supposed to think about

And do I include things that I wish to feel

I could think about all the people I have met

And then about the ones I have yet to meet

Or should I look at all the mistakes I’ve made

To decide which ones I don’t want to repeat

Should I be turning all my thoughts towards

Ways I’d like to be loved and how I’d love

And other things that come in a relationship

Things that have so far been undreamed of

Or maybe I could start with familiar things

The things I’ve done that I can do with ease

There are the things I think I’d be good at

Or ones that I know have brought me peace

Should I think about my lack of knowledge

And the things that I’d still like to ascertain

There are the places in the world I want to see

Or maybe the things that I’d like to do again

Perhaps it would make the task a bit easier

If I started with the things that I don’t want

Or maybe the things that aren’t working now

Either way this task just continues to taunt

I am not sure what to choose this time around

Or even how to make much needed advances

I am wondering what opportunities still exist

Or if I’ve already wasted all my second chances

I Need To Impart

Rae — Fri, 19 Jun 2009 22:02:10 +0000

What have I missed

By failing to exist

With no one to assist

As the pain did persist

I wish to lay blame

And point the shame

At a different name

So they feel the same

I now think through

And bring into view

With intent to construe

What I know is true

I am in this plateau

Fighting the flow

Refusing to let go

Despite what I know

I’m feeling perplexed

And constantly vexed

I wonder what’s next

As I write this text

The heaviness stays

But in many ways

I do need this phase

And the role it plays

Where does it all lead

And what do I need

In order to proceed

So that I can succeed

I have been set apart

Now in order to restart

I know I need to impart

So I can free my heart

I’ve Learned

Rae — Thu, 11 Jun 2009 17:55:50 +0000

I’ve learned that returning to those places

Has made me relive every nightmare

And I’m asking if Hell is still below me

Or wondering if maybe I’m already there

I’ve learned when things don’t kill you

A lasting scar is what they leave behind

There are ones that are clearly visible

And there are ones that secretly remind

I’ve learned from wounds I’ve accrued

That the invisible ones are far more trying

And it also seems that they are the ones

That I spend most of my time denying

I’ve learned that being strong isn’t easy

I’m not sure I am able to do what it takes

I’m desperate to avoid repeating the story

I don’t want to fall for the same mistakes

I’ve learned how to give up all my rights

And was expected to do what I was told

I was threatened and told not to divulge

And since, by fear I have been controlled

I’ve learned going back makes it more real

And I am so afraid of the fear and shame

They say going back will help me to heal

But part of me thinks I am still to blame

I’ve learned that it is all of these beliefs

That they are making a prisoner out of me

I am the one who has created these walls

Now I am feeling like I want to break free

I’ve learned that even though I was living

I know that I’ve been dying to feel alive

I can say that I want more this time around

I’m starting to feel like I want to survive

I’ve learned that there is so much more

And this part of me that I thought had died

Now wants to come out and experience life

And convince me that I don’t need to hide

I’ve learned that things are not as they seem

And the lies that I was taught are not true

I am not the bad person that I thought I was

I’m a good person that bad things happened to

All I Have Missed

Rae — Tue, 09 Jun 2009 21:04:26 +0000

My soul has been battered and scarred

And my heart I am desperate to protect

I feel that I can’t take any more chances

Because I just don’t know what to expect

I have learned from my past experiences

That judgment almost always does come

And I never know what shape it might take

It could be a word or a look from some

It doesn’t matter how it gets delivered

Because the pain felt is always the same

The fear continues to get bigger inside

With deeper feelings of doubt and shame

And then when it is all over and done

I am standing alone mindless and abused

I have no ability to pick up all the pieces

I feel like everything has been misused

I just can’t seem to find the courage

To let my heart become known again

Or trust that it will not be struck down

And then left to feel the familiar pain

But I have been betrayed by desire

It has been pushing me not to forget

It keeps sending me many reminders

Not to make choices that I will regret

It has taken time to find ones to ask

And determine if I should then confide

I do hope that they will not turn away

Then leave me standing alone outside

Through my searching I have learned

That these hearts I thought didn’t exist

Have been waiting for me all along

And are showing me all I have missed

We Do Proclaim

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:47:46 +0000

To the body and soul there has been a violation

An outrage was committed without consideration

Thoroughly affected from the deep penetration

It is at ourselves that we do vent our frustration

Into life we thought we were given an invitation

But were actually handed a lasting complication

We were made to feel that we were the causation

And our heart became numb from the realization

Now we stand alone without any explanation

And forever we will search for some salvation

We have succumbed and deadened our desire

Completely dismissing everything that we require

And are much too afraid to question or enquire

We believe we have earned what we did acquire

Now it is all of our yearnings we wish to retire

Wanting to keep our hearts from being under fire

Never wanting to remember what did transpire

The necessity to hide continues to get higher

And all we hope for is to slide under the wire

So we put on our masks and we wear the attire

With a heart that is filled with too much hate

We put up walls so we can be safe in our wait

And hope that our desires will start to abate

Dignity marred is what we don’t want to create

We wish we could erase everything on this slate

And stop the erosion of our fragile mental state

So it’s with strong conviction that we do dictate

That our lives do not become a public debate

The efforts to protect are a very heavy weight

And personal death moves at a very slow rate

None of the responsibility did they claim

So then we believed that we were to blame

We just moved through life without any aim

With fear inside that makes it hard to exclaim

For if we do then nothing will be the same

But now we start to feel like we want to reclaim

And find more definitions and then to rename

It is from our hearts that we do now proclaim

As we learn to acknowledge what we became

That it is not us that should feel the shame

The Other Me

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 16:42:55 +0000

With each minute that passes she is there

This great creator of all my deceptions

She’s ruthless when it comes to her mission

There are no rules and not many exceptions

I decided that I wanted to know her more

So I can understand just who she may be

And why that it is so very important to her

That she does keep me under lock and key

She is pushing hard to maintain this facade

I am becoming convinced that she is right

She knows it will not take much persuading

And I will want to stop and give up the fight

She has told an infinite number of lies

Keeping me believing them is her goal

She doesn’t want me learning any truths

The desired outcome is to maintain control

Continuously issuing barely veiled threats

She believes it’s better to remain confined

She is the one that created these illusions

So that they continue to control my mind

Carefully nurturing many of my delusions

She has been brilliant at executing her plan

Her abilities have improved from experience

And now I don’t even know how it all began

But now I see things from a new perspective

And I know her biggest desire is to be free

I wish to embrace her and make her feel safe

Because I realized that she is actually me

Where To Start

Rae — Mon, 08 Jun 2009 15:39:36 +0000

Where is it that we are to start

When we know we can’t stay here

An unsought journey back in time

Where we usually try not to steer

Do we fear what we will unearth

As we dig through what’s been done

What can we learn from our mistakes

As we sort through them one by one

We tell lies with the intent to hide

Resolute to keep it all concealed

We try to evade the inquisitive ones

And keep our secrets unrevealed

We commence with apprehension

But recognize that new is needed

That some matters ought to diverge

And new advice should be heeded

When truth comes to show its face

In which position will we remain

Will we embrace what we now know

Or will we resist what we ascertain

We stumble with much reluctance

Quite frequently we seem to falter

But our resistance begins to dissolve

And we see what we need to alter

When we accept it’s time to change

And wish to find what we need to see

Will we ask Jesus to be our guide

And lead our heart where it needs to be